midnightdemons7

School and the felon

I slept late today because I didn’t have to get up early. I had a weird dream and when I woke up, I was in such deep sleep that I didn’t know where I was or what year it was. I got up and used the bathroom and then came back to my room to take my meds. I checked to see what news was and found that the felon is pausing federal grants and loans. He caused havoc everywhere. I don’t know if I will get SNAP this month. He did this illegally. I hope the dems do something. My college degree hangs in the balance.

I had a few cups of coffee and then I tried to do Italian. I still don’t know if I did it right. I still got like a page to do for the homework, which is all review. I know some stuff and others I don’t remember anything. Next week will be the language lab so will be going to that. I need all the practice I can get.

My niece made baked cauliflower. It was salty and cheesy. My side is hurting and I feel bloated. I shaved but haven’t showered yet. I need to shower. I probably will after I blog this. I don’t know what I will do tonight. I’ve been playing this game called Township. It’s like the farming game that was on FB years ago. I got to do some more Italian, too. I got to write some stuff in the homework. I have therapy tomorrow morning. I hope I wake up early enough to be out of the house by 9. Last few times I have met in person, I just made it to the appointment on time. It messes with my anxiety when I am not early. Being on time just kills me.

I packed my backpack for tomorrow. I got to return my library book. Hopefully, I can connect from the blue to green lines tomorrow without a problem. I got such a headache right now. I hope I can sleep. I got to shower first. Hope the hot water helps my head. Today has been a fucking day. And I fear what tomorrow will bring.

RIP little buddy

Going down a rabbit hole

I’ve been up since 5. I finished my library book. It took me two hours to finish. I tried going back to sleep but couldn’t. I just rested. Then I got a headache soon as I laid down. The headache turned into a migraine and my head hurts so bad right now. I got up around 11 as my cousin called and said he would be by. I asked him to get me some half and half as he was going to the store. It was all I needed. I had my coffee while I waited for him.

I did my meds after he came by. I also brushed my teeth. I need to shave but I think I will wait till tomorrow. I checked on the college app to see if there was anything for Italian and the professor had already posted stuff. I read the syllabus and it made me anxious. There is going to be an oral exam and I fear my accent is going to fuck me over. It’s bad enough I can’t pronounce things in Duolingo sometimes. Maybe having a conversation will be easier. I looked at the review and don’t remember the forms of the verb Essere. I have to look it up. I will do it tomorrow as my head is going to kill me.

I opened my laptop and went down a rabbit hole with Amazon. I spent nearly an hour chatting with them trying to get a digital album that I had problems downloading. I talked to four different people. The last person said to wait an hour for the system to clear and then try again. I will try tomorrow. I had enough bullshit today. I just wanted to blog and instead chose a rabbit hole…

I keep having anxiety over school, which isn’t helping my headache. I finally told one of my sisters about my gallbladder. I really hope it doesn’t flare up more than it has. I keep getting bloated every time I eat something. I have some discomfort in my side but it is tolerable. I hate that the only option is surgery. I sent my pcp a reply as I found an article today about long Covid impacting exercise and when I looked at the symptoms, there were similar to what I have been experiencing. So maybe I am not deconditioned like my doc thinks I am. It’s just strange to me that suddenly I went from being able to walk a couple blocks without a problem to it suddenly being a problem. Every time I walk to the bus stop, I am short of breath by the time I reach it. It is all flat streets, no hills or incline. If I go to the pharmacy around the corner there is a bit of an incline as I reach the end of the street and going up Broadway. My town is wicked hilly. Hence the city on the hill. I wish I was able to finish that Boston history class. It was interesting but I really wasn’t getting much from it.

I don’t have anything to do tomorrow other than try and do the Italian work. The class doesn’t seem too intensive but I do have to go to the language lab at least for a few weeks consecutively. It meets in the morning which is going to be a problem and then I will have an hour until my next class. This week I will be out of the house Tues till Friday. I set alarms so I will be up, hopefully.

I’m going under

I had shit sleep last night. I slept for three hours and then I was up all night. I managed to go back to sleep around 7 only to sleep until 10. I wanted to shave, shower, and pick up my meds but all I managed was to brush my teeth and shave. I haven’t showered yet. I’ve been putting it off.

My doc got back to me about my gallstones. She wants me to think about preventative surgery. I can’t right now as it take 4-8 weeks for recovery. That’s like half a semester. I can deal with the pain. I just need to rest when it acts up.

I have been in a down mood all day. I just can’t get going. My psychache is kind of elevated. I was reading a book about treating suicidal behavior and they talked about Dr. Shneidman’s theory. They also talked about suicide belief systems which is hopelessness, unlovability, helplessness, and poor distress tolerance. I think as a trauma survivor you can only deal with so much distress before you’re thinking about ending things.

25-Jan

I went out with my family tonight. I almost didn’t go because I had to get my meds and I wasn’t sure I would be able to catch the bus back. But there wasn’t a line at the pharmacy. I was able to catch the bus back home. I was out for at least a half hour. I like when I catch the bus on time.

I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I took some Benadryl because I was stuffy and it knocked my ass out. I had a weird dream that I took care of a child that was abducted. I flew to Chicago to rescue him and return him to his mother. Then I had to wait to catch a flight back because it was close to midnight. I don’t remember where I had to go but it wasn’t Boston. It began with an S so maybe Seattle or St. Louis. I didn’t get up till after 12.

My sister sprayed some scent and it’s irritating me. I am congested and got a headache. I had a cup of coffee at my aunt’s after we ate and I am still buzzed from it. Probably from the weed too. My cousin smokes it. I hate the smell of it.