midnightdemons7

Another shitty day

I had a hard time sleeping. I tried everything and finally gave up around 11. I was reading Jack Turban’s Free to Be which is about trans youth. I can relate to it so much. I realized I have gender repression even though I expressed myself as a tomboy throughout my life. I guess it was easier being seen as that than as a man. It still hurts that I repressed myself so much I wanted to kill myself. How much I loathe myself you wouldn’t believe. I sometimes still do.

Last night I was in agony. The Senate passed a bill that would ban trans athletes and federally define sex, which would essentially make trans and intersex people non existent. 28 Dems voted yes on this bill and I am so damn angry. I used to like Amy Klobochur but she has turned into my nemesis. I am glad she is in MN and not Mass. I don’t know if this needs to go to the house or not. I am just on the edge again. I will never be able to get my passport if this passes. Federally, I won’t be seen, which is just like it is now. It makes me so sad.

I was having palpitations last night. It was freaking me out and I wanted to send a message to my pcp. But after a little while it stopped and I wasn’t so anxious. My blood pressure is still up. I got to take a few more readings for the NP. It hasn’t been a week since I increased the dose to 50 mg. I still have some room for it to work. Then I got to get my bloodwork done.

I have been tired most of the day. I have been in bed. Only getting up to check my messages on my phone or answer my sister’s calls. I played my game most of the day but things have been taking longer to produce products. It has been a long day to wait. I had small meals today. I had cottage cheese for breakfast/lunch and then a chicken sandwich for dinner. I have been drinking water more than Powerade. I had to refill my water bottle again today. I seem to be doing it at least once a day. I am going to go to bed early tonight. I didn’t nap so I should be able to sleep through the night. I am listening to Taylor’s Fearless album. It is one of my favorites. I have it just at the right volume.

Grades are back!

Today has been a rough day. I didn’t sleep most of the night. I woke up around 1 and it was very difficult getting back to sleep. I don’t think I went back till my sister left for work. I snoozed a little until my med alarm went off. I didn’t get up right away but had to because of my bladder. I took my meds and then laid down again.

I got up around noon to have some coffee before therapy. I wasn’t hungry so didn’t eat anything. I thought about having some yogurt or cottage cheese but just wasn’t hungry enough. I finished my coffee and played my game before going back up to my room.

Therapy went well. We talked about the holidays and my birthday. She asked if I was suicidal and I wasn’t. For the first time I am not thinking of ending things around my birthday. I am still depressed but thoughts of death are away. Things are just gloomy.

After therapy, I got the email I have been waiting a month to get…my paper grade! I got an 86 which gives me a B for the class. I am so glad. I thought I was for sure going to get a C. It’s not official yet. But I think that is what I am going to get.

I have been resting since after therapy. I had something to eat and drank some water. I need to refill my water bottle. I have been trying to drink more but it is hard when you’re not really that thirsty. I got a slight stomach ache. I am hoping to have some dinner. I don’t know what I am going to have. Most likely soup again. Or I might have cereal. I need to find out where my sister put my box of frosted wheats. It isn’t in the cabinet. Ugh. I hate it when she puts things where they don’t belong.

I am on a steroid pack for my headaches and I keep forgetting to take the after meal doses. I took my dinner one too close to my night time meds so I have to delay taking them now. Glad I am not doing anything tomorrow. I have two phone calls I need to make and also need to text my DMH worker on our next appt as I didn’t write it down. I just looked at the calendar and the 29^th is a Monday not a Friday. I am all screwed up.

My neck has been hurting me all day. I have been meaning to put heat on it but keep forgetting and I am too tired now to go downstairs. Besides, bitch is in the kitchen and I rather not be around her right now. I am kind of angry at the felon who is being a real fuck, not like he isn’t anyway. Man has no empathy in him at all. And I am so sad to hear about what happened in Australia. Gun violence has taken so many lives. It’s sickening. I don’t know when it will stop. Probably not in my lifetime. Not until better laws are made and enforced. The Constitution is a joke right now. It will be years to make it solid again. I hope by then we have made the Supreme Court better. Otherwise, things will stay as it is.

Another day another sleepless night

I hardly slept last night. My stomach was burning with reflux. I tried Mylanta but it only worked for like an hour. I didn’t have much to eat so I have no idea what upset it. Only thing I can think of is the weight loss drug giving me a reaction. My stomach has been ok today but I have been lousy at drinking fluids. I woke up late and wasn’t in the mood for a coffee.

I pretty much stayed in bed most of the day. Sometimes I would doze off. I had some soup for dinner and then I drank some water. I had to go to the bathroom and I just peed when I got up. It was only a little but I had to change my underwear. Luckily I didn’t wet my PJs.

It snowed today. The puppy went out in it. It wasn’t much, only an inch or so. I was excited when I saw it. It’s been windy so my room had been kind of chilly. I like it though. I just hope temps don’t drop of the windchill will be colder.

I started reading Night Falls Fast last night as I couldn’t sleep. I love this book so much. I learn something new every time I read it. I wish I had it when I was writing my paper. It would have been a good resource. I still haven’t gotten back my grades on anything. She is usually quick with correcting stuff. She probably is tearing up the last page of my paper.

I told a friend what I did a month ago with overdosing. She didn’t yell at me or criticize me. I have therapy tomorrow. I might tell her. Depends how I feel. I feel really closed off from my feelings. Most of the time I am numb or just not feeling anything at all. I’m just jaded. The anhedonia is so profound. I feel more melancholic than depressed. I don’t want to do anything but stay in bed.