midnightdemons7

Saturday Blog 15022025

I slept late today. I spent all day yesterday in bed. I only got up to use the bathroom or eat. I didn’t do a damn thing. I didn’t sleep well last night. I had some weird dreams. One was of me being in class and I kept farting really loud and I was so embarrassed. I have a hard time telling if my farts smell or not so I was hoping I wasn’t stinking up the class.

I had a couple cups of coffee and some Oreo goldens. They are my favorite cookie. There was some dark chocolate cookies near my area but I didn’t know whose they were. I think I am going to have ramen today. It’s too late to roast potatoes. I bought some red potatoes on my last grocery order. It’s my favorite kind of potato.

I need to read my book today. I need to shower. I set an alarm for me to take one in case I forget. I meant to take one yesterday but I was too tired. I didn’t even shave. I shaved today and brushed my teeth.

I met my niece for a few minutes. I haven’t seen her in more than a week. I just got her wedding pictures. They are so good. I really love the ones with my sisters and my aunt. I need to go to Urgent care one of these days. I think I have a urine infection. I keep getting bladder cramps and my urine is cloudy. My pcp doesn’t have an opening until Fri and that will be too late. I was going to go today but it’s kind of late and I don’t feel like getting dressed. I might go Monday. I wish there was one close to me but there isn’t. They closed the one that was here. Monday is a holiday but the schedule looks like a Saturday schedule. There is also shuttle buses on the orange line. Ugh. Maybe I will wait till Wednesday.

I just got my financial aid package, finally. On it, it said that I am a senior! I am so happy. I really didn’t know what class I was in because I had the credits but landed somewhere between a junior and a senior. I can finally take that history of psychology class. I don’t know if I will take it over the summer or just the fall. I don’t know what classes I am taking in the fall, yet. I know one of them has to be a 400 level because I need to take one.

Another sleepless night

I had a few hours sleep and then I sort of woke up and was snoozing. I had some strange dream with my mother and people I have been watching on facebook. Then I heard a cat scream really loud and it woke me up. This was around 3am and I have been up since. I have been playing my game. It’s been fun.

I had a hard day yesterday. The National Park Service took down all mention of trans history on their website. I am so upset. My friend isn’t understanding what this means and she thinks I can stop it. It is out of my hands at the moment. I don’t even know how to get it back on the website.

I have an earache and my bladder has been cramping the past few days. I don’t know why. I am congested so I might have fluid in my ear. My urine has been on and off being cloudy. I don’t have any other symptoms. I do feel run down but it could be the depression making me feel this way.

I have a meeting with my DMH worker today. I haven’t decided if I want to meet in person or have a phone call. My niece just gave me pics of her wedding and I want to share them with her so I might go in person. It is coming on a year that I have known her. She has been such a good support for me.

I didn’t go to class yesterday. I just couldn’t get out of bed. It was cold and rainy so I didn’t want to leave the house. It was also windy so I know it would be bitter cold. My room was cold most of the day because of the wind. I did my Italian. I haven’t read the English book yet. It is just so dull. I read the notes the professor put up and I am like, I am not getting those vibes from this book. I haven’t really analyzed it too much yet. The extra credit for this class is going to be tough because you need to write notes and having it be substantial and a page or more long. It’s going to be tough.

I need to shave and shower today. I am letting my hair grow a little longer before I cut it off again. It just got too long to shave and I didn’t feel like dealing with it. I can’t make up my mind whether I like it buzz short or shaved. I go back and forth.

My favorite country artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter, is coming to Boston in Sept and I really want to see her. I don’t know how much tickets are. They go on sale today. I hope I can afford them. It would be wonderful to see her again.

Tired and lost

I woke up for my therapy appointment. I found it to be depressing as we talked about me being trans and how it upset me by not being validated by my family. I still wish I had a chance to talk to the leader of the BAGLY meetings I went to when I was a teen about changing sex. She was the only person I knew that went from male to female. I wanted to go from female to male. I hated myself so much. I am depressed as fuck when I remember all this stuff. It doesn’t go away. You don’t just have top surgery and then suddenly fall in love with yourself after years of loathing.

My therapist read one of the two chapters in Shneidman’s book. She found it helpful. We talked about the things in the book that I can’t remember now. She brought up some points with my mother about her not accepting me. I just felt really down after session. I went back to sleep for a few hours. I just didn’t want to get up. I only got up around 230pm because I had to pee. I had three cups of coffee and something to eat.

I read my boring English book. I had to read like 50 pages to get to part two. It is so dull. I got a headache after finishing the 50 pages. I took my night meds early. I am still tired. I got to be up early tomorrow. Maybe if I am, I can get a breakfast wrap at Starbucks with my latte. I am going to need a lot of espresso tomorrow.

I sent my psychiatrist a message the other day and I still have not received a response. Pisses me off. This is why I hate seeing him every month or so. I don’t see him again till March. I have a few appointments in March, especially during the break.

My RN called me back today to let me know what my doc and the meeting have been discussing. I can have my diagnosis changed. It’s up to me as there is no pressing need to do so right now. It would involve a new PA and all that shit. So I decided to stay with things, for now unless things change. I still haven’t heard about my financial aid from UMB but I got a reminder to pay my bill. Ugh. I don’t have four grand. I told my therapist today that if I had to withdraw, my mental health will be in the toilet. I love being academic and doing research and stuff. It will kill me not to be able to do it. I just got off text with the crisis line. I so wanted to act on my SI’s. I haven’t been close to acting because I am not exactly sure where things are. I would have to look for it and I don’t really want to. I know that if I know where they are, it makes it more likely to act when I feel like acting. Better to not know and just have a general sense of where they are.

It’s cold in my room as there is a slight breeze coming through my AC area. Also, the window is partly down on the upper one. Going to be a cold night. I hope I don’t have to put on an extra blanket.