midnightdemons7

Since I started therapy with new therapist, I came to a realization that since my mother died, I feel cut off. Like I know I’m still suicidal at times but it’s not like it was before. I cpuld still go through with it but I don’t want to,  which is a change in my thinking.  I can’t explain it. I’ve gone from years of being suicidal to feeling nothing. Sometimes it feels empty or numb.  But most times it’s nothing. I feel sad at times and depressed. My energy is always so low. I have no motivation to do things. I don’t know if this is grief.

I started this Dec 29th. I meant to finish it but forgot. I decided to listen to Lonestar today as I was feeling down and the second song after they played was Rascal Flatts what hurts the most. Fuck it brought up so many feelings and psychache was so deep. I couldn’t breathe. After a few minutes, I felt like killing myself. I thought about the pills and what the fucks. I used a DBT skill. I don’t know the name of it but you sit with the feeling until it passes. By the time Lonestar played again with their 9/11 song I’m already there i was crying. Then my niece’s song by Kenny Chesney came on. Omg the feelings.

I got up and did my meds. Drank some water. I took some stuff off my bed. I checked off the meds from my list. Now I just need to pull myself together to shower. I ordered dinner because fuck today is a hard day. I wasn’t going to order anything today but the hell with it. I don’t feel like cooking. I got a sandwich and soup from Panera. I haven’t ordered from there before but their soups are good. There used to be one I went to when I had a car. It’s kind of expensive but worth it.

A member of my transgender group is in Boston tonight. I might meet up with her if this headache goes away. I just hope Temps don’t go down too much.

Saturday Blog 04012025

Today is my niece’s birthday but I couldn’t get up. I had such a headache. All night I was having dreams and each time I woke up, I had a headache that hurt more than the last one. I stayed in bed until I wanted some coffee. I had just one cup as I ordered lunch. I didn’t feel like cooking.

I feel like shit today and don’t want to do anything. I attempted to clear my bed off, just half of it. I am putting things away as I go. Maybe by the middle of the week I can wash my bedding. That is the goal for the week. Monday I will be out. I might be out Tues depending on if I go to campus or not. I have to do a test run and see how far a walk the building class is from the shuttle stop is and where the classroom is. The building doesn’t have linear numbers. They just have scattered numbers for their classrooms. I have yet to figure out the order so I know I will be going around in circles trying to find this room. I know it’s on the first floor so that is good.

I am feeling so tired. I might have a cup of tea. I just want to drink something hot.

I woke up around 4am and couldn’t go back to sleep. Today was payday so I paid my bills and ordered stuff I needed. I wanted to go to campus to get my books but think I’ll do that on Mon. I ordered my textbook. There is just one and it comes in two formats. Still cost a lot. I have to get the vocabulary thing in person as it wasn’t on the order page. I had one cup of coffee. Around 11 my DMH worker called me to check in. I was resting. We talked for a bit and i felt better afterwards. I still took a nap, for two hours. I woke up to a weird noise in the house.

I got up and didn’t want to do a damn thing. I haven’t shaved or brushed my teeth yet. I had to get my meds. I checked the messages on my phone and got dressed. I picked up my meds and as today was trash day, I put back the bins. I walked up and down the driveway three times and became wicked out of breath. I’m still wheezing. I drank some water and tried to not freak out. I hate being out of breath. It was cold and windy so I think that is why I am wheezing. I see my pcp in two weeks, well more like a little more than a week. Hope she has some suggestions. My weight is up but not as bad as I was expecting. I’ve been overeating lately.

I made another cup of coffee and ordered a salad with steak tips. Tomorrow is my niece’s birthday and we are going out for breakfast. I looked at the menu and they don’t have too many breakfast choices. Mostly have burgers. Idk. Hopefully it will be good. I’ve never been there before.

Tonight I’m going to finish Suicidal Mind so tomorrow I can start Finlay Donovan. I will have just a week to read it as it’s due the 13th. It might be a while till I get to the 4th book.

Still struggling

I am still struggling with ADLs. I feel so down. I realized that since my birthday, I have only had one shower. It’s just so hard. Today I wanted to do it. I needed to groom as well. I hate when my hair downstairs is long as it just smells after a while which doesn’t help my shower issues. I managed to do this and brush my teeth. I was exhausted and out of breath.

I was having a hard time sleeping. I kept waking up from dreaming every few hours and then would have a hard time going back to sleep. I woke up around midnight and was able to get back to sleep. I slept really well so when I woke up I thought it was close to 5 or 6 and it was 230. I was pissed. I woke up from a weird dream. I dreamt about my mother a few times. I was supposed to see my friend but every time I woke up, I had a screaming headache. I have no idea what happened to my bottle of ibuprofen. It fell and rolled under my bed.

I texted my DMH worker but she hasn’t responded. I haven’t eaten anything all day. I think I am going to make the dino nuggets I bought the other day with some tater tots. I am not really hungry though. I had two cups of coffee. My headache is still there. I am glad the sun has gone down. It was wicked bright today which didn’t help my head. I think my vision has changed as I keep having to adjust my head to see things on my laptop. The middle part of my glasses is blurred, which is supposed to be for the computer. I hope there isn’t a lot of PDFs for me to read next semester. This semester hurt my head adjusting it so often and made me tired. Semester starts the last week in Jan. I see the sleep specialist this month. It’s at 8am. It’s on zoom so I don’t have to leave the house. Thank god because the office is on the opposite side of the hospital. I would need many breaks to walk through the hospital to get there. I also see my pcp and psychiatrist the same week.

I am glad I am seeing a therapist finally but I keep dumping on her. Basically been telling her all the details from 2022 till today. She is better than my other therapist that just wanted to problem solve every single session. She acknowledges my struggles and validates me, something the other therapist never did. I see her Mon. I am going to get rice balls again. They are so good. They also have like a chicken pot pie dish that I have been meaning to try. Their food is so good. And I am going to get their Nutella biscuits.