midnightdemons7

Two buses for groceries

I was up half the night again. I just couldn’t sleep. I got hungry so had a bagel at like 4am. I figure I would be up. I had taken a trazodone but it didn’t work. After I ate, I felt sleepy and slept most of the morning. I had to go to the grocery store because I needed half and half and I wanted steak. I didn’t want to go to two stores. The store that is two miles away has a better meat selection than the one down the street from me. I had to take two buses to get there. It would have been easier if I had a car. It took me an hour and a half to spend five minutes for three items that came to twenty bucks. Meat and cream is expensive. I also bought a bottle of steak sauce as I am out.

My sister had sent a text about leftovers. I said I would eat it but by the time I got up, my niece had thrown it away. I thought I would have potato salad but it was thrown out as well. There was chocolate cake so I had that. I need to rest before I cook the steak. I am wicked tired. I still need to finish the article for class. There are questions I need to answer. I am just having trouble with the material itself because I came from a low Socio-economic level growing up.

I don’t have ANY regrets about top surgery but this chest pain that I feel every day sucks. I don’t know if it is because I didn’t build muscle or it is the loss of muscle. Whatever the cause, I am in pain every day and I have to take the Robaxin around the clock in order for the pain to be controlled. It’s the only thing that helps it. I am in a very depressed mood today. I feel useless and worthless. It took all my energy to go out today. Someone has been using my half and half so I needed to get some more or I wouldn’t have any for tomorrow. Coffee has motivated me to go out. At the grocery store I went to today, there was a Starbucks. I thought about getting something but my funds are running low. If I got something today, I wouldn’t be able to get anything for tomorrow before class.

I was hoping to shave and shower today but I just don’t have the energy. It took a lot to just go to the store and I still need to make dinner. I hope I can be up early tomorrow and be able to shave and shower before I leave for class. Yesterday I left a little later than I did last week and I still was a half hour early so I don’t have to leave so early for class but I do have to be up before 11.

Can’t sleep

I was resting but not really sleeping when my med alarm went off. I thought it was odd as it was like 11pm. Then I remember I had set it for the Robaxin and I was kicking myself as it woke me up. My CRPS foot has been flared up the past couple of hours. I took some pain meds and gaba. I also took some Benadryl for sleep. But my brain is refusing to shut down. I just started a new book that I got from the library and the first chapter is good. I am going to like this book.

A friend of mine that I knew from Twitter mentioned a syndrome where you think you are dead or think you have dead limbs. I researched it and found that I had this for a few weeks in 2022 when I was catatonic. It wasn’t until I was back on a therapeutic dose of Latuda that the delusions stopped. It is a rare syndrome so of course I would get it. It does happen to people who have delusions and are catatonic. I want to reach out to my psychiatrist about this but I don’t know what exactly to say.

I finally changed my sheets and I am so happy I was able to put them on on the first try. The last time it took a few tries to get it right. I am going to try and keep my bed clear this time so I can change my sheets better. I have just two sets and alternate between the two. I had a gray set but I have no idea where it went.

I started doing research for my paper and I am happy to see that one of the suicidologists I follow wrote a paper on the HPA axis and suicide. I was wondering if there was anyone in the field that looked at this that I knew. I didn’t tell my professor that I was an autodidact suicidologist. My brain wasn’t completely functioning as I was composing the email so I just said I had an interest in suicide. She hasn’t responded to the email.

I was reading the discussion paper for class this week. It’s on the socio-economic-status and brain thickness. I read a couple pages until I couldn’t concentrate anymore. Then I laid down to try and sleep. It is a lengthy paper that will take me some time to read. I thought these papers were going to be shorter than this.

For some reason, when I last used my electric razor, it caused skin irritation. Now I have a break out of zits on my neck and it is so painful. I hate it. I shaved today and it was ok until now. It’s wicked itchy. I might have to let the beard grow back in again. I can’t seem to keep the goatee look for long.

Sept is suicide prevention month

September is suicide prevention month. Last night I was reading my assigned chapter when it gave a few sentences about suicide and glucocorticoids being found in childhood abuse victims. I found this interesting. I read the abstract but it was way over my head as it was talking about receptors and gene types. I asked my psych professor if I could do the final on it. I think it would be interesting to research as suicide is my main thing I like to research. I know I talk about the treatment of it with therapy but if there can be a pill to take, that would be good, too. Imagine not being suicidal anymore by taking a pill. Anyway, reading this before bed, got me hyper and thinking so it was hard to sleep. I had some weird dreams. I don’t remember them though and they didn’t give me a headache.

I got up around 11. I took my meds and then went downstairs. I brushed my teeth before I had coffee. I still need to shave my head. I had two cups of coffee and some oatmeal as I was starving. The party was good. I had a lot of food. I had woken up around 3 to pee and then was up for about an hour. I was hungry but we are out of bread so I couldn’t make a sandwich. I wish I had known we were out of it as I would have ordered it on my peapod order. I thought we had one more loaf but we didn’t. I will get two loaves on Wed when my food stamps come in. I need to get more half and half as well. I am also going to try and get some turkey breast. It’s been a while since I had a turkey sandwich. My niece had made mac and cheese so I had that for lunch. I had my third cup of coffee with it. I need all the caffeine today.

I cleared off my bed. I just need to change my sheets and wash my comforter. I plan on doing that after I write this blog. My feet are cold so I don’t want to wash the comforter just yet. It’s a cool day again. I am loving this weather. I hope it stays like this but I know it won’t. It never does. I have a fairly free week aside from class. I see my DMH worker on Friday. I am going to try and leave early that day and go to the social security office so I can change my gender marker. It’s the last thing I need to do aside from getting my passport changed. I also need to get a “real” ID from the state. Getting the money for it has been hard the last few months. I would have the money if I wasn’t paying for my damn meds every month. I hate that they did away with the deductible. It really sucks. I am paying like $100 a month on my meds, sometimes more if I get everything.

I am getting tired so I am going to stop here. Until tomorrow, readers.