midnightdemons7

Too hot to do anything

Today was in the 80s and my room is about the same. I was too hot to do anything today. I made lunch and had three cups of coffee. I woke up early when my med alarm went off. I stayed up for a couple of hours and then took a nap. Had some weird dreams. I got up around 11/12 and had chimichangas with some coffee. I think I am going to have the same dinner as last night, and finish off the pepperoni and cheese. It’s National Cheese Day. I have Colby Jack.

I had wanted to go to the police station today but the heat just made me feel ick. The ballgame played early so I will have the evening free to read. I started a new book that is mindless reading. I like it. It’s a book by Seanan McGuire. It’s ok but I hate when you read something and you already know where it’s going. It’s that kind of reading but you continue to read hoping you’re wrong. Sox beat the Braves 9-0. Pivetta got the win as he was outstanding. Amazing what a little run support can do. He usually sucks and gets nothing for his good work but then loses the game because he gives up the long ball.

I sent the docu-sign thing to the place. It finally allowed me to send it after I finagled it. There were a couple of boxes I had missed so that was why I wasn’t given the option to send. Hopefully I will get an appointment in the next few days. I have to call Mass Rehab for a home care assistant. I don’t know what that is like. My phone anxiety gets in the way of the call. I will try tomorrow. I am tempted to email my case worker. My anxiety has been high the past few days. Last night I was off the fucking wall. I had locked my door so my sister didn’t intrude. She sometimes doesn’t wait for a response when she knocks. So I was having anxiety of the house catching on fire and being trapped in my room because the door was locked. Around midnight I got really thirsty and had to use the bathroom so I did. Then couldn’t really go to sleep so I read for a bit after taking some Benadryl and Ativan. My allergies weren’t really bad but I kept having to clear my throat from post nasal drip. I had already used the flonase. I hate that nothing is really working for this phlegm. I constantly feel like something is in my throat. Yesterday it was bad as I was walking home. I felt like I was choking. It was a similar sensation when something dry gets stuck in my throat and I can’t swallow it but it wasn’t as bad. It is driving me crazy. I see my pcp in 15 days so I will run it by her to see if she can suggest something.

My bank recently upgraded their app. I used to be able to transfer money into my sister’s account to help pay the household bills but now am not seeing the bank as an option. I guess I will have to write her a check from now on. I hate doing it as sometimes I can’t keep track of my expenses.

I need something sweet. I don’t have any cookies or chocolate. I have some Reese’s eggs but I want like an Oreo or something. I’m going to raid my sister’s apartment..

Teenage petulance

My friend in SD just got her copy of my new memoir. She sent a pic with her cat and it was so cute. I love that cat so much. I went out to get a library book that came in for me. A friend on Bluesky recommended a book and I started reading it. It is a short book. I should be finished with it by the end of the week. It is ok. Mindless reading, which is what I need right now. I was reading Who’s afraid of Gender last night and found that the Catholic Church thinks transgender is fiction. Nice. More reason for me to stay away from that denomination.

I came home and had to pee really bad. I just made it to the bathroom. I managed to shave today though I went higher on the sides than I wanted to. One side is higher than the other. A couple of people suggested I shave it off as the bald with a beard look is in. I don’t know because it took so long for the top of my head to grow again and it was painful. I also don’t really like the top short/bald. I almost did take it all off when I fucked up the side. I can only imagine what the back looks like. I didn’t wear a hat when I left the house. I felt naked.

I am really tired. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about feeling this tired and he wants me to bring it up when I see my pcp in a few weeks. Today I tried getting therapy and just got the paperwork to fill out. I have no idea how to save it and then send it back to the person so emailed her again to find out. I hate that I go back and forth between the two when I am fatigued. I never know why I am so tired. I slept ok last night. I should have stayed up but I went back to sleep after I took my meds at 7. I kept dreaming about being back in the lab and wanting to decant so bad. There was someone in heme who was putting things in a centrifuge and was not balancing it right. It was so annoying me. But it was just a dream.

Game is on in like ten minutes. My cousin always seems to call soon as I put it on and then it screwed up the timing of the app. It is already off by a few seconds. I might turn on the radio tonight. I don’t know if I will listen to all nine innings. I feel like if my eyes close for more than a few minutes, I will sleep. I also feel anxious. I don’t know why. I ate pepperoni and cheese for supper, probably not enough calories for the Latuda but I don’t want to make anything else.

Still the same

Allergies are killing me today. I woke up in the early morning sneezing and after I used the bathroom I sneezed some more. I used some Flonase but I think I sneezed it out. I got up around 11. I had a couple cups of coffee and made some waffles. I think I might have chimichangas for lunch.

I took down the last of my recycling to the bin. I just need to take the trash out next. I am going to try and clear the area around my desk so I can put some stuff there. I am trying to find my sharps box. I don’t remember where I put it as it isn’t where I last had it. I have two full boxes so I need this empty one. I got to bring the full boxes to the police station as they have a box there. I am glad as last time I paid like $15 to ship them to be destroyed.

It’s like 80 degrees today. I tried to get some sun while having my coffee but I just couldn’t sit there. I don’t know how people can do it. I hate it. I get so hot. I need to be kept cool. I hope my brother in law puts in the AC today. The heat has been giving me a low level headache. I need more coffee. I think I am going to make an iced coffee next. I just hope I remember to use the iced button on the Keurig. I forgot one day and it didn’t come out good.

My sister is working from home today. I like this as I can sneak downstairs when she is out and talk with her. I am supposed to call Mass Rehab today but I got phone anxiety. I honestly don’t know what to ask of them. My DMH case worker thinks they might be helpful. I also need to call a potential place for therapy. I found out that there is a location in my town so I don’t have to back to my hometown. I still don’t know what to do about therapy. I hate that the last therapist got it in my head that I need a goal or I can’t be in therapy. I honestly don’t know what therapy is about anymore.

I think I am going to take my beard off. It feels so heavy and it really isn’t. The last time I did take it off, I felt dysphoric. I couldn’t take it down. Maybe later. I don’t know. It’s not really thick as I just trimmed it not too long ago. Maybe I will go down to a stubble.

Productive Sunday

I slept fairly well and didn’t wake up till around 8 or so. I took my meds and then went back to sleep, or tried to as my sister kept screaming for my niece and was basically loud. She kept going up and down the stairs. I didn’t know if she was coming or going. Today was my cousin’s birthday. I was supposed to go but I couldn’t get up at a decent time and my sister was in a mood. I really didn’t feel like talking to her so I just stayed in my room until she left. Then I had coffee and sat on my new deck. I had two cups before taking a shower. I shaved. I wanted to trim my hair but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wanted to see my barber but I don’t have the money right now to see him.

The game was on so I listened to it as I did some stuff around my room. I cleared the path where my AC is so now it can be put in my window. I texted my brother in law. He said he would do it. It’s going to be 80 this week so I hope he puts it in the next few days.

I brought down some recycling. I still have more in my room. It’s mostly boxes. I feel good that I cleared this space but I still feel overwhelmed with the rest of my room. I am so depressed. I can’t shake the down feeling. I have been trying to work through it. I did my meds for the week. I still have a lot of allergies today. I have phlegm in the back of my throat that is gagging me and making me nauseous. I feel depressed and not really sure why I am. I honestly just want to go back to bed and stay there. I am still trying to do stuff around my room though. I need to finish the chapter I started last night. I woke up around midnight. I read for a little while after taking some Ativan so I wouldn’t be up all fricken night. I think I went back to sleep around 3. I am so tired from having interrupted sleep. The damn birds were singing so loud this morning. I tried to see what kind of birds they were but I didn’t want to get up to turn on the app. I tried recording when I was having my coffee but I didn’t get anything.

Sox lost in extra innings. It was disappointing. I am listening to Sugarland and Little Big Town. I am so excited to see them in concert on Halloween. I cannot wait. I love Jennifer Nettles. She still blows me away with her voice. I am going to read some more of the Who’s Afraid of Gender book. Honestly don’t know how I can read with this level of depression but I will take it because it could be gone whenever. I told my case worker that the middle of August is when my mood starts to dip and doesn’t even out until Feb. I am going to call a place tomorrow to see if I can get an intake started for therapy. I still don’t know what I am looking for. But my case worker seems to think having suicidal thoughts is enough reason to be in therapy.