midnightdemons7

Book has been published!

Book is now available in paperback and through this link

I wish I felt excited or cheerful but I feel like human garbage. I just feel so depressed. I want to cry so bad but the tears won’t come. I have been thinking of my mother most of the day. I woke up around 2 and thought about checking on her. I still think this and it has been more than a year. I went to Starbucks and the butcher shop today. I wanted burgers. I just went out and the whole time I was thinking I had to text my niece to see how my mother was. I feel so sad.

I thought about reaching out to my psychiatrist but why bother? He isn’t likely to do anything. I know I am just having a bad day. Wish it didn’t have to hurt so much. I also bought a pasta salad with some chicken to eat. I ate like half and was full. I will make the burger later.

I hate sitting with the feelings. It is very uncomfortable. I am glad I went out as it has been a few days since I left the house. I wanted to read but I knew I really couldn’t given my mental state. I started reading “Who’s Afraid of Gender”? and it is a good book but not for teens. I also been reading Moby Dick. I thought about starting Principles of Psychology but that is a book to be tackled while out I think. It is very dense and a huge book. It will take me most of the summer to read it.

I am tired and just want to fucking sleep. But it is too early. I hate when the depression makes me fatigued and makes me miserable. I am trying not to beat myself up over it but it is hard. I keep thinking of past mistakes. I know this doesn’t help things and doesn’t make me feel great. It is hard to stop though. I am trying to think of good things and I know today is just a bad day.

My case worker called me today thinking we were meeting tomorrow. I had to correct her that we were meeting Friday. This is the second time she thought we were meeting on a Thursday. I might take a cab to Boston as the trains are going to be fucked up. Or I might take the green line in. I don’t know. I will decide Friday which way to go. My cousin is supposed to take me food shopping tomorrow. I want to get some more turkey breast. I like eating it when I want something light and easy to fix. I have to cook the burgers and I hate cooking. But I know it will taste awesome once it is done. I love a good homemade burger. I just wish I had pickles. Maybe I will steal some from my sister…

Book has been submitted!!

My friend got back to me late last night but I had already gone to bed. I got her messages this morning and after I finished my first cup of coffee, I went to work on loading what she had done. We both played with the stupid formatting and after her 5^th try, we got it to work. I submitted the book. Now I just need to wait for it to be approved. I am thinking it will take a few hours from now before the link is live. I have been trying to wait patiently but I am nervous. I am going to keep a spreadsheet about how many books I sell this time around. Last time I just had an estimate that around 100 books were sold for my first memoir.

I slept ok last night. I woke up around 645 to pee and was able to take my meds and back to sleep. I still woke up around 1030, which is fine. I plan on showering today but I haven’t got the energy to do it just yet. I need to shave my head today and brush my teeth. I had a frozen dinner for lunch. I plan on having Ben and Jerry’s for dinner. I really want a burger but I don’t have any. I haven’t left the house yet. I wanted to go to Starbucks today but I got so hot and sweaty just sitting in my kitchen that I said the hell with it. It’s like 80 degrees today. I hate the fucking heat. We seem to have moved past spring and into summer weather. I need to clear the area where my AC is so my Brother in law can put my AC in. I cleared some space for my clothes yesterday. I am doing little things each day so that it gets done even though it looks like nothing right now.

I placed some things on FB to sell but stupid FB won’t recognize my name as my first name so I can’t ship things. Assholes. I have been playing my ERAS playlist because Taylor always puts me in a good mood. I got my rings out today and wore them. I just felt like being fancy. I don’t wear them often. I usually just wear my watch. It’s the only jewelry I really wear. I have a bracelet that an aunt gave me for my high school graduation but I never wear it.

I hate the damn heat. I am sweating so bad. The ceiling fan is providing some cooling and the temp is going down. I just shaved my head. I have been waiting the last three hours for the link but I don’t think it will happen today.

Memorial Day 2024

Last night after I showered, I snoozed for a bit. I didn’t get up till around 9 to day my night meds. Then I was up till 3am. I started reading a new book called Who’s Afraid Of Gender? And it sucked me in for a couple of hours. I slept for a while and took my morning meds but I don’t remember the time. I ended up going back to bed to sleep for a few. I decided I really didn’t want to get up. I had to use the bathroom so I did and brushed my teeth afterwards.

My cousin texted me. I had told him the Os were going to kill the Sox and they did. They are leading 11-3 in the 9^th. I am glad it isn’t a shut out. I didn’t know the game was so early in the day. I am glad I missed it.

It’s cool today but I am topless. I don’t think I will be doing anything today but staying in bed and reading. I might sort through some clothes and put them somewhere. Mostly they are winter clothes anyway.

Tiring Sunday

I woke up around 5 with allergies so bad I had to take a Benadryl. I went back to sleep for a few hours and just had the sheet on me. I woke up drenched in sweat. I need to take a shower but it has been a day. I forgot that I ordered my groceries. Around the time I finally had motivation to shower, the delivery was on its way so I couldn’t. I went up and down the stairs so many times that by 2pm I was exhausted and I only been up for four hours. I rested for a bit. I went up and down a few more times. My niece made pasta salad and my sister made a burger which I was craving. I had wanted to go to the butcher shop to get some burgers but still haven’t gone.

I have a shit ton of books to read. I bought the Principles of Psychology and it is a textbook. It will be my summer read. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself now that classes have ended. I fired my therapist so I no longer have therapy right now.  I see my DMH case worker this week. Today has been a rough day. For some reason, I got really angry when I got fatigued. Like I just wanted to yell at someone. Then I just got sad and wished I was fucking dead. All because I didn’t have the energy to shower. I have been sweating all day so I stink on top of my stink. I don’t remember the last time I showered but it has been a few days. My allergies are just making me miserable. I have a knot of phlegm in my throat that I can’t swallow or cough up. I keep clearing my throat and it is so irritated. I have been bad at drinking fluids today. I did drink some water but not a good amount.

I want to go to Starbucks because they have a macadamia nut syrup that is awesome. I want to have an iced latte with it. Their cold brew is delicious but I don’t like the foam, which is flavored macadamia nut. It’s like whipped cream and though I do like it on desserts, I don’t like it for my coffees or lattes. I used flonase today to try and help this congestion. I also took a Sudafed but nothing is helping except the Benadryl which just makes me sleepy. I don’t want to get used to it otherwise it won’t help me sleep. I plan on taking some tonight, again. It really dries me up.

I have been using a bird app to ID the birds that have been chirping. There was a white-breasted Nuthatch that was just heard outside my room. I don’t know where these birds are as there really isn’t that many trees in the back of the house. There used to be but we cut them down. They were dying anyways from neglect or disease, I’m not sure. The yard was a complete mess like the rest of the house when we first moved in.

Part of the stress with the shower, was that my sister took the curtain down to wash it and hasn’t put it back up yet, so I would have to go to the first floor to shower. It just stressed me out because of the stairs. But my sister took a shower so now I know it is up and running again. I am going to trim my armpit hairs as they are long. I might take my beard off. I am not sure yet. But I know I am going to try and shower today.