midnightdemons7

Feel like shit

I slept most of the day yesterday and half the day today. I just felt like shit. I got up to have my coffee and breakfast. The puppy was here so I petted her. She was interested in my breakfast but lost interest.

I shaved after my coffee and brushed my teeth. I wanted to shower but didn’t. I will tomorrow. I went up to my room and took my textbook out. I have a lot of reading to do. I read half a chapter and then I had to stop as I was getting sleepy. I made something to eat.

I was still full from lunch so really didn’t have supper. Going to try and read some more to finish the chapter. I think there are like 10 pages left. I can’t believe there is just three weeks left in the semester.

I feel depressed. I want to act on my suicidal tendencies. I feel like suicide is a disease even though it’s not. I am so tired of fighting it all the time. It gets exhausting. I wish every night that I don’t wake up in the morning. The depression is bad. They say you have to want change in order for therapy to work. What am I supposed to change? I want to die. I hate living. I don’t even know why anymore. Used to be because I was in a lot of mental pain, a lot of psychache. I feel useless. Just feel like a failure.

Things I didn’t do today

I slept for most of the day so I didn’t do anything. I feel pretty well rested. I did get up around noon to have coffee and breakfast. I made sliders for supper. I have been trying to drink but it is slow going.

I didn’t do any school work. I am taking the day off from my studies. I didn’t go to the grocery store. I just couldn’t get out of bed today. The puppy was home. She took a dump upstairs when I was eating breakfast. Her daddy never cleaned up the mess and I am so mad at him.

My blood pressure is still high, though not too high. I got to remember to take it. I don’t need to take it every day but do need to take it every other day or so. I also need to write down the readings.

I didn’t brush my teeth yet. I probably will before bed. Tomorrow I will need to shave again. My beard feels like sandpaper. I wish I could get my face smooth but it’s so hard. My beard never stops growing.

Tomorrow I will go back to doing school work. I am not going to do anything today but rest. I think I’ve earned it.

Fucking exhausted

I slept for about four hours and then woke up around 2am and been up since then. I turned in my paper. It was short and I didn’t care. Then I read the rubric that the professor posted and it will be a miracle if I get a C minimum on it. I woke up and realized I didn’t write a conclusion so I am going to be taken points off that. I wanted to write an email to the professor and cry but I didn’t.

I went to what I thought would be a nursing appt ended up being a meeting with the NP. My blood pressure was high. She asked what I was running at home and I told her I haven’t been taking it the last few days so I am not sure. She said to write it down and in two weeks we’ll check it again. We went up on one of my blood pressure meds. The hope is to restart the other one in two weeks, slowly. I can also restart the weight loss drug. She sent it in but it needs a prior authorization. No matter as I can’t afford it now anyways. It will have wait till next week when I get paid.

Fuck, my niece’s ex is smoking pot on the back porch and I can smell it. I hate the smell of pot. I am so fucking cranky. But the puppy is home. I missed her. I really could have used her as pet therapy yesterday. I was so stressed out.

I did all that needed to be turned in for today. Now I just got to read and read till my eyes fall out. I got one more Freud lecture and then it is all textbook. I am behind at least two chapters, which will take me at least two days to go through. Exam two will be in two weeks. And then class will be over. I am not sure we will have a final. I don’t think so but I could be wrong. I took some Ativan so I can get some sleep. I just had dinner and am so full. I had sliders and some chips and the chips were so yummy. Then I had ice cream.

Only thing to do the rest of the week is school work. I also need to go to the grocery store for some half and half. I am running low. I also got to get some squash for next week. I am going to see if I can get it frozen so the fresh squash doesn’t go bad as it will be a week old if I buy it Thurs.

I am so going to fail

Past three days I have made a solid effort to write my paper and still haven’t finished it. There isn’t papers about this shit. I am doubting myself as a suicidologist and never want to touch the damn subject of suicide again. It is destroying my soul. I have been up since my sister woke up because she is so fucking loud in the morning. Plus her door creaks loudly when she opens it and god forbid she should shut it quietly. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I had to get up because I had my therapy appt.

I had my coffee and then I made a bacon sandwich followed by another cup of coffee. I read stuff while I was ticking down the clock for therapy. She is a nice therapist but too soon to know if it will work out. I don’t know if I have a copay. I haven’t been told. I need to call but I am so focused on this paper I will call tomorrow. We didn’t talk about anything exciting. Just my past history. We did talk about my suicidal stuff. I have had some ideations and today I so wanted to just end things than finish this fucking paper. I know I am going to get a failing grade.

I got a headache. I tried to nap and it didn’t work out. My post nasal drip is out of fucking control and I keep gagging. I haven’t been drinking water like I should. I also haven’t been checking my blood pressure either. I keep forgetting. I got to go tomorrow to get it checked anyways. It will be a five minute appt or maybe longer if I shoot the shit with the medical assistant. I don’t know what the plan will be until after this appt. I don’t have a scheduled visit with my pcp till Jan. That seems too long to wait with the way my blood pressure goes. I don’t know if I will see the NP. I am just worried.

I’ve been having anxiety over this stupid paper all day. I feel like I am writing a dissertation with no sources to back me up. I have a shit ton of research and none of it is helping me. I must have looked at more than fifty articles and saved just as many. I have added books too. I am so tired. I have given myself till 10pm to finish and whatever I have is what I am turning in. I think there is one part where I repeat myself but I don’t care, it’s space. LOL I thought the references would be longer but I keep using the same ones over and over so it really isn’t adding to the list. And my bibliography program I want to boot to the moon. OMG it has given me such a hard time finding shit. I had to create at least two references and one of them didn’t come out right. I don’t care. I was ready to cry last night as I couldn’t move past 4 pages. I am up to six of eight so I am getting there. I just don’t know what else to write about. This paper at this point is not cohesive in the least. I have no idea if it makes sense. I am just hoping for at least a passing grade of C. I can accept that at this point.