midnightdemons7

Feel like shit today

I woke up in the middle of the night again to pee and it took a while to get back to sleep. Then I woke up a few hours later to pee again. It was around 730 so I took my meds and went back to sleep. I don’t know what happened but when my med alarm went off at 10, I felt like absolute shit and had a bad hangover. I got my migraine med and brought it up to my room to bring it to room temp before injecting it. My sister called me around noon and I reluctantly got up. I wasn’t going to go to class. It was too late and I wasn’t in the mood to “fly”. I had some coffee and I wanted McD’s.

I responded to my therapist’s question but haven’t had a response yet. I struggled to stay awake for most of the day and then around 3 I gave up. I rested until around 1830. I had some ice cream and now my teeth hurt from the cold. I got a cold sore on my lip that hurts. I finally got some medicine for it. It is helping to ease the pain. It sucks I can’t drink while the medicine is on because I tend to wipe it off. I have been feeling so off today. The nap helped. I woke up to it pouring out. There was some thunderstorms in the area but I didn’t hear it.

Sox lost today. It was a day game so I was expecting it. I am glad they played when they did or they might have had a rain postponement. Now they will be in Minnesota and it will be late game times. I have my night free so I think I am going to re-read chapter 10. I wanted to do it this afternoon but I took a nap instead. I managed a shave and a shower today. I think that is why I needed a nap afterwards. I was hoping the shower would get rid of the shittiness but it didn’t. I had fleeting thoughts of suicidality today. I wanted to text my therapist but thought better of it.

I haven’t quite decided how I will get to my appointment tomorrow. I can take a cab or I can take the T and walk there. I will decide tomorrow. Sucks because either way, I can’t have Starbucks.

Day of studying

I had interrupted sleep and wanted to sleep later but workers came to do stuff around the house and they were fucking loud. I got up around 10. I took my shot as today was T day. Tomorrow will be my migraine med. I hate that shot more than my T because it hurts while injecting.

I had no idea what to eat so I ordered something I haven’t had in a while. I wanted to do my school work in my room but by the time I finished lunch, the workers had decided to work on my side of the house and I couldn’t concentrate. I went down to the kitchen where it was somewhat more quieter. I did the two chapters. It took me nearly two hours to do. There was a lot of words with lengthy definitions. I hope I remember them all. The prof has posted keys to exams and quizzes. I will go over them this weekend. He still hasn’t posted grades for exam 3 yet. I am anxiously waiting for it as I decide to take the final or not. It is optional. It will either improve my grade or keep it the same. I emailed the prof to see if my grade is what I think it is (B-). I have extra credit so I am hoping to at least get up to a B but it all depends on exam 3 grades. Exam 4 is next week. I don’t know if grades will be posted before the final.

I had sent a message to my therapist saying I was in therapy because of chronic depression. She then asked what did I want to do about it as I had “options”. I am so tired of this narrative. Like, every other month she asks what am I doing in therapy. I am tired. I feel like I shouldn’t have to justify why I need it. Makes me want to cancel our appointment and just not make a new one. I see my new case manager Friday. Maybe she can help me with therapy. I am kind of stressed to the point where I am thinking about ending things again and nothing really triggered it. I just had a vague thought and it morphed into why the fuck not. I don’t feel like I am good enough. I know my therapist triggers my PTSD at times. And I really think she doesn’t understand trauma at all.

I wanted to shower today but never got around to it. I ate ice cream for my dinner. I hope to shower tomorrow before I leave for class. I won’t be able to shave unless I get up early. Getting up when my med alarm goes off at 9 has been a challenge. I tried formatting my book today and found that 60 pages are gone. Ugh. I am not sure how the book looks. I got to go through it, page by page to see how the format took. I might be able to add in a few pages but not 60. I feel defeated as I worked so hard on this and it isn’t even 100 pages long. I will go through it this weekend. I need to concentrate on my exam and potentially my final.

Semester winding down

I went to class today. There are just two more left for the semester. I saw NP this morning for my chest pain. X-ray showed some calcification and I waiting to see if that is why I am in pain. I didn’t take any pain meds this morning before leaving the house. I didn’t even have coffee because I got up late. The Starbucks by my pcp’s office is still under renovations so I had Dunkin coffee which was not that good. I didn’t even finish it.

I was starving when I got out of class so ordered some pizza. It was okay. I’ve had better. I am wicked tired. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I used the bathroom around 2 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I read my psych textbook and then was able to get back to sleep. I thought about staying up but I knew around 7ish I would feel tired. I woke up again before 9 to pee. I think I might have a UTI as the urge has been wicked strong. Part of the reason I lost control of my bladder the other day was because I just couldn’t hold it anymore. I really tried. Now I am having symptoms and I hate it. I had to use my sister’s bathroom last night and this morning because someone was in the bathroom when I had to go. I didn’t want to pee my pants again so I went downstairs.

I had therapy yesterday and I am still thinking about why I am in therapy. I have been with the same therapist for almost five years. Some days, therapy goes ok and other days I wonder why I am in it. I know I probably need a different therapist as mine is just not helpful. But then I think, what if I run into the same issue with another therapist? What then?

Game will start in about fifteen minutes. I will listen along and hope I can stay awake. I need to take my night meds soon. I am planning on finishing up studying for psych tomorrow. Not sure if I will go to Starbucks or not. Depends on what time I get up. I have been having a hard time getting up before 10am most days. This needs to change of there is no way I am going to be able to make my 11am class in the fall. I am not a morning person. It’s going to be difficult. I just tried to get it from the app and it has another program on. I can either turn on the radio and listen or just follow along for highlights…

I got a call from DMH today. I finally have a case worker. I meet with her on Friday. She sounds okay. Maybe she can help me sort out my therapy situation. I kind of lost the reason why I am going other than I need to but the why isn’t clear to me. Stupid pharmacy put in a refill on my sleep meds when I didn’t need it. My psychiatrist ended up giving me a 90 day supply. I canceled the order. I don’t need 90 day supply. I still have 20+ tablets left from what he gave me last month. I haven’t taken any in a week or two because my sleep has been somewhat better. I am going to sleep but just having a hard time staying asleep.

I had therapy today. I really didn’t have much to talk about. I told her I faced my fear of crowds by going to the game by myself Sat. I had fun. She was happy my anxiety didn’t interfere. She wanted me to talk about it but there was really not much to talk about. Then near the end she asked why I was in therapy. I hate this question. I never have a good answer. She said that there had to be something more than talking. She always wants me to do something more than what I am doing.

After therapy, I ordered lunch. I didn’t like it. I ordered roast beef and it was so rare, I thought it was still mooing. The onion rings were good with the James River BBQ sauce. I wanted to read after but I got sleepy so made a coffee. There are only 3 classes left in the semester. I don’t know if there will be a quiz or not. I really need to read.