midnightdemons7

Up early on a Wednesday

I woke up around 3 to pee and I haven’t been able to get back to sleep. My check came in so I paid some bills. The rest will be on billpay. I ordered groceries for this afternoon.

I had my exam yesterday. I immediately had doubts about it and was hoping the question I skipped I went back to. I don’t remember if I did or not. Ugh. Fucking anxiety before and after sucks. I had wanted to start chapter 7 but I got tired. I was up early yesterday morning studying. I don’t think I did well. There were a few students who made up the quiz. I am hoping once they have been resulted we get a curve on it.

I sent a message to my therapist asking her if I could see her despite not knowing what I was doing and she said yes. I meet with her today at noon. I have a webinar this afternoon and hope my groceries get delivered afterwards.

I plan on mixing up my studying today. I will read some Anthro and some psych. I am hoping I can get through the Anthro readings without a problem. Test is next week and I still have no idea what I am doing.

It’s now evening and I haven’t done shit. I tried to sleep after therapy but couldn’t. Therapy went well. We worked on my anxiety and I wrote some stuff down. It really helped. I am so fricken tired. I am going to finish reading the lobbyist article after I write this blog. The Anthro professor sent an email saying grades would be available for exam 1 but it still isn’t posted. We also have the option of reviewing our exam but I don’t see that option either. He really is an asshole. Just give me my damn grade. I have waited long enough.

My groceries just came a little while ago. My niece’s boyfriend helped bringing them up. I bought a lot of food in addition to my Gatorade. I might have to go to another store to get Powerade as Peapod didn’t have the flavor I like. Easter is this weekend and I bought butternut squash as I wanted it. I am usually the only one who eats it. I also bought a small expensive bag of red potatoes. It wasn’t even a full bag. I am so disappointed. And the asparagus isn’t thin. It is regular size, which I was afraid of. It will still be good. They just take a little longer to cook.

I need to shower because I stink. I also need a haircut but my barber isn’t in the shop till Saturday. I have no idea what to do with the top as it has become thin like the rest of it. I want to get a whiffle but I have a wedding to go to in Oct and I am not wanting my hair to be all porcupiny. I would have to get a cut right before the wedding to keep it neat. I can manage it when it is short but I hate it when it grows out. It always looks like I put my finger in a socket.

Freaking out

My night of sleeping was terrible, again. I took a trazodone around 2am and had broken sleep. I know I woke up or was up, I can’t really remember now, around 0530 and then I slept till 8 when I had to pee. I decided to stay up. I made coffee. I was hungry but I didn’t feel like cooking. I had my biscuits with coffee. After I finished the cup, I went back upstairs because I was out of coffee in the kitchen and my niece was still sleeping. I had to go to the porch for more coffee and would had to go through her room to get it. I ended up studying.

My Anthro professor was quite busy this morning. I had four or five emails from him. And that lobbying article I didn’t finish reading now has to be read because he sent questions about it. Fucker. He apologized for the delay in exam 1 test results. He said he is working on them but didn’t give a time frame of when they would be available. I hope they are back before next week when we take exam 2. I still have no fucking idea what I am doing in this class.

I studied my psych. I went over the slides and my notes. My check deposit for today wasn’t in till after 12 today for some reason. I was hungry by the time so made a black bean burger. Then I ordered Wendy’s because I wanted it. I also ordered my amazon stuff, which I desperately need my allegra. I paid my cell bill. Then went back to studying. I realized I didn’t put the vocab words for chapter 6 in my notebook. As I was doing this, I texted my classmate and see if she wanted me to text definitions to her as a way of studying. We went through a few terms. Then a term came up and I knew she didn’t have the answer. I figured it out though once I went back to the slides.

My psych prof sent a message about those that need a make up and I was hoping he was going to cancel test tomorrow. No such luck. So I am freaking the fuck out, thinking I am going to fail because even though I read the chapter, I can’t answer the questions that are at the end of the chapter. I feel fucking stupid. I can’t distinguish between operant conditioning and classical. I am just fucked. I am on a borderline B- and if I don’t do good on this exam, I am going to drop to a C and that will just kill me.

My NP got back to me about my blood pressures. She wants me to take them again for the next two weeks and then send the results in. If they are still high, then my meds will be adjusted. I found an updated hypertension chart and looks like they lowered the diastolic and systolic readings by 10 points each. So technically, I have been in stage 2 hypertension all this time, even on meds. I am so stressed though. I woke up with a cold sore on my lip. I haven’t had a cold sore since I was a kid. The treatment for it is kind of expensive though so I hope it clears up on its own.

A day of remembering

Today is my father’s birthday and the anniversary of my “second” mother’s death. It has been a difficult day. I have memories of both of these people and I love them so much. I texted my BFFL to say I was thinking of him and sending him big hugs today. My sisters went to the track to celebrate my father’s birthday. I don’t know if they won. One sister is home and the other is not.

I studied the past couple of hours. I had a zoom meeting with one of my classmates. I tried to help her out as much as I could. I don’t think English is her primary language so understanding these terms is especially difficult. I was up all night thinking about chapter 4. I couldn’t remember what the hell it was about. I have been spending some time studying and then taking a break. There is just so much stuff to know.

I didn’t get up until maybe 230pm. I didn’t go to sleep until early this morning, well after 5am. I turned on my white noise and that helped to quiet my thoughts. I had coffee and made ramen noodles. Then I had a snack at my sister’s. She invited me to dinner for tomorrow night as she is making ribs. Should be good. She made asparagus again and I had some. I could have eaten the whole container. I love asparagus, especially when it is thin.

I am getting paid this week. I want to get a cold cut calzone because I have been craving it. I am not sure if I am going to get slices or a whole thing so I can have it for a week. I have made a grocery cart but I don’t know if I can afford all. It will have to wait until Thursday when my bills clear. I need to shower but I have no energy for it. I can barely stay awake. I am so tired from not sleeping. The fatigue sucks. I don’t see my psychiatrist for another week or so. It happens to be the day my mother died last year. So it is going to be tough. I have class that day but it is on zoom so I don’t have to leave the house.

I still don’t know what I am doing in therapy. It’s been a week but it feels much longer than that. I thought about texting her for an appointment tomorrow but I still don’t know what to talk about with her. Between these classes and my sleep issues, I haven’t had the time to think about what my needs are. I feel like I can’t go back to therapy until I figure it out. This is so hard for me to do. I often dissociate while in session. I just can’t stay in touch all session. Emotion hits and I shut down. It is worse when my therapist points something out or calls me out on something.