midnightdemons7

Do nothing day

I wanted to clear off the rest of my bed but I slept really late and had no energy to do anything. I did take off a couple of things. I had my coffee and something to eat. Today was weight loss drug injection day. I felt the needle again. My stomach started acting up a little after my first cup of coffee and then really flared up after my second. I tried to cuddle with the pup after but she didn’t want to. I went upstairs and needed a nap. I didn’t sleep though as my niece came home and I had to unlock the door for her.

I have been feeling depressed the last couple of hours. I was really thinking about ending it. I also thought about classes on Mon and now that the snow shifted, there might not be classes. I am not going to go if it is going to snow that night as my class starts at 530pm. I might have to wait until Mon to find out if they canceled class. I still don’t know who is teaching or if there will be lab on Tues.

The temp is 25 with a feel of 14F. There is some wind so I am sure it is colder than that. I am glad it is windy because my room will get to be cold. Temps are supposed to drop, tho I don’t know when.

I would contact a hotline for how I am feeling but I hate when they ask “what did you do the last time you felt this way”? I don’t fucking know. I do so many things. Sometimes I blog, sometimes I write in my journal, listen to music that would fit the mood or just listen to old Taylor for a mood lift. I like listening to 1989 because it makes me want to dance, especially to shake it off and never ever getting back together. But Show Girl also has some songs that make me want to dance. I made a playlist of the two albums.

I hate that my bank doesn’t process deposits on Saturdays. I am supposed to get paid tomorrow but the money won’t be in my account until Mon. I need to get my meds, though with the snowstorm Mon it might be Tues or Wed I will have to go, which means I will be late in taking my migraine med.

I need to shower tonight. I am going to do it before bed. I still have razor burn from shaving my head yesterday. I need to get some kind of shave butter or gel. My friend recommended one but Amazon was only selling a 6 pack of it. I don’t need 6 bottles! I will go to Walgreens or maybe Walmart and see if they have it or something else. I like Gillette products. They are very good.

Laptop issues

I went to log in today and was greeted by the blue screen of death. It was asking me for a recovery key. I don’t have one. I have no idea why this screen keeps popping up. I contacted Dell and created a ticket. I also gave them a screenshot of the screen.

I woke up early because I had to pee. I was up around 8. I had my coffee and a corn muffin. Then I had some yogurt. It was good. I never had honey vanilla before. I took a chance on it as the store was out of vanilla.

After I had my breakfast, I played with the puppy for a bit. She was very engaging and not as sleepy as she usually is. I tried taking a selfie with her but she kept on moving so I just got one eye lol. After I tried giving her her bone, she got on the floor so I guess our play time was over. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I came back downstairs with from the laptop issues, she had peed and pooped. I cleaned that up. My back was hurting so I had to rest for a bit. My sister made tacos last night and I finished them off for lunch.

I got an email from Kindle publishing that my tax information was ready. I looked at the paper and wanted to cry. I hardly made anything last year. I don’t remember the last time I sold a book. I haven’t been promoting. I have been too busy with class. Every so often I will post on Bluesky but I get no sales.

I shaved my head. I plan on showering next. All I did last night was sweat as it was so hot in my room. It’s cooler today as the temps warmed up a bit but tomorrow they are supposed to plunge again. I worry about the homeless. Hope they stay warm somewhere. My cousin lives on the streets so I worry about him too. He has a substance abuse disorder. I don’t know if he is still using or not. I haven’t seen him in months. Supposed to get a big storm Sunday. I can’t believe I start classes again on Mon. I am a little nervous, like I usually am. I just hope I get financial aid. Or I am screwed.

Body dysmorphia

I am having a hard time with my body right now. I am shirtless which means I am seeing my big stomach that won’t go away. I see how big my upper arms are and I hate it. I am not so conscious about my legs though I hate the big ankles only because dress socks become wicked tight after a while. It’s got me depressed. I had to take off my shirt because the temp in my room went up. It is so hot and the ceiling fan isn’t doing much. I am drinking fluids so I don’t dehydrate.

I was talking a little about this in therapy today but we skimmed over it. I was more into trying to get my bed clear today but after going grocery shopping, it depleted my energy levels. I plan on taking a trazodone tonight to help me sleep. It is so hot in my room, I may not be able to otherwise. I wish I could put my AC on but the curtain is down and the blinds are too so there would be a lot of moving stuff. I am just not up to it.

I was able to bring down some recycling. Today wasn’t a total waste. I just wish I felt better mentally. I feel so guilty about things and worthless about others. Just don’t feel like being alive lately. I keep going back and forth with this. Ambivalence is a great but terrible thing sometimes. I am going to see if I can talk to my DMH worker tomorrow. I want to know if there are peer to peer supports near her office. I think there is but I am not sure. We never discussed it. She always thought I would be a good peer support. But I need one for now. Maybe after I get my Bachelors degree I can do some of that work. I don’t know. If I am not dead then.

I just want you

Last night it was really hot in my room so I went downstairs and was snoozing on my niece’s bed as she wasn’t home yet. I ended up falling asleep and cuddling with the puppy. My niece never came home. I have no idea where she is. She hasn’t been responding to my messages. I hope she is ok. I kind of woke up this morning because bitch was loud and the puppy went to the bathroom in the kitchen. I went back to sleep until my med alarm went off. I honestly had no idea what the noise was. I had set an alarm for 830 but stayed in bed. I haven’t heard my med alarm in a long time because I usually take my meds before it went off and earlier than the time I have set.

I had a cup of coffee after I took my meds and got my glasses. I had my phone but I didn’t have my glasses which is kind of stupid as I can’t read my phone without them. After I had my coffee, I went in my room and it was like the tropics. It was so damn hot. It was 81 degrees. 19 outside. I had the ceiling fan on but it wasn’t doing much. I had my session. I told her how worthless and guilty I felt over things and the depression being bad. She asked if I wanted support like a partial hospital and I said no. I don’t find them helpful. I actually find inpatient group much better than outpatient.

I texted my cousin to see if he was still going to take me to the grocery store tomorrow and he told me he could take me today. I waited till he was ready and then I went. I got a few things. They didn’t have the yogurt I wanted so I got something similar. I hope I like it. I also got corn muffins for breakfast. I finally got some roast beef. I didn’t get cheese because that flares up my gallbladder. I am so sad I can’t have cheese anymore.

I had a turkey sandwich and clam chowder for lunch. My stomach was quick to become upset. My side pain hasn’t flared up so that is good. I am listening to Taylor. I made a 1989 and Show girl playlist. I think I am going to have an Ensure with my night meds again. I don’t want my stomach to hurt me all night so I am not going to eat anything. I will make sure that I drink water or Powerade so I stay hydrated. I am going to have to make sure I drink because it is so damn hot in my room and I am not sure when the temps will go down. Heat isn’t above 70 so I don’t understand why it is so hot. We are supposed to get bad weather this weekend. I hope the first day of school isn’t canceled. That would suck.