midnightdemons7

Grades are back!

Today has been a rough day. I didn’t sleep most of the night. I woke up around 1 and it was very difficult getting back to sleep. I don’t think I went back till my sister left for work. I snoozed a little until my med alarm went off. I didn’t get up right away but had to because of my bladder. I took my meds and then laid down again.

I got up around noon to have some coffee before therapy. I wasn’t hungry so didn’t eat anything. I thought about having some yogurt or cottage cheese but just wasn’t hungry enough. I finished my coffee and played my game before going back up to my room.

Therapy went well. We talked about the holidays and my birthday. She asked if I was suicidal and I wasn’t. For the first time I am not thinking of ending things around my birthday. I am still depressed but thoughts of death are away. Things are just gloomy.

After therapy, I got the email I have been waiting a month to get…my paper grade! I got an 86 which gives me a B for the class. I am so glad. I thought I was for sure going to get a C. It’s not official yet. But I think that is what I am going to get.

I have been resting since after therapy. I had something to eat and drank some water. I need to refill my water bottle. I have been trying to drink more but it is hard when you’re not really that thirsty. I got a slight stomach ache. I am hoping to have some dinner. I don’t know what I am going to have. Most likely soup again. Or I might have cereal. I need to find out where my sister put my box of frosted wheats. It isn’t in the cabinet. Ugh. I hate it when she puts things where they don’t belong.

I am on a steroid pack for my headaches and I keep forgetting to take the after meal doses. I took my dinner one too close to my night time meds so I have to delay taking them now. Glad I am not doing anything tomorrow. I have two phone calls I need to make and also need to text my DMH worker on our next appt as I didn’t write it down. I just looked at the calendar and the 29^th is a Monday not a Friday. I am all screwed up.

My neck has been hurting me all day. I have been meaning to put heat on it but keep forgetting and I am too tired now to go downstairs. Besides, bitch is in the kitchen and I rather not be around her right now. I am kind of angry at the felon who is being a real fuck, not like he isn’t anyway. Man has no empathy in him at all. And I am so sad to hear about what happened in Australia. Gun violence has taken so many lives. It’s sickening. I don’t know when it will stop. Probably not in my lifetime. Not until better laws are made and enforced. The Constitution is a joke right now. It will be years to make it solid again. I hope by then we have made the Supreme Court better. Otherwise, things will stay as it is.

Another day another sleepless night

I hardly slept last night. My stomach was burning with reflux. I tried Mylanta but it only worked for like an hour. I didn’t have much to eat so I have no idea what upset it. Only thing I can think of is the weight loss drug giving me a reaction. My stomach has been ok today but I have been lousy at drinking fluids. I woke up late and wasn’t in the mood for a coffee.

I pretty much stayed in bed most of the day. Sometimes I would doze off. I had some soup for dinner and then I drank some water. I had to go to the bathroom and I just peed when I got up. It was only a little but I had to change my underwear. Luckily I didn’t wet my PJs.

It snowed today. The puppy went out in it. It wasn’t much, only an inch or so. I was excited when I saw it. It’s been windy so my room had been kind of chilly. I like it though. I just hope temps don’t drop of the windchill will be colder.

I started reading Night Falls Fast last night as I couldn’t sleep. I love this book so much. I learn something new every time I read it. I wish I had it when I was writing my paper. It would have been a good resource. I still haven’t gotten back my grades on anything. She is usually quick with correcting stuff. She probably is tearing up the last page of my paper.

I told a friend what I did a month ago with overdosing. She didn’t yell at me or criticize me. I have therapy tomorrow. I might tell her. Depends how I feel. I feel really closed off from my feelings. Most of the time I am numb or just not feeling anything at all. I’m just jaded. The anhedonia is so profound. I feel more melancholic than depressed. I don’t want to do anything but stay in bed.

Saturday Blog 13122025

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!!

I love that I share my birthday month with Taylor. My birthday will be in ten days. I will be turning the big 50. I realized the other day I spent half my life in a disabled state, either mentally or physically and sometimes both since I was 25. I know one thing. Whenever I graduate from UMB, I plan on getting a class ring. I haven’t seen tables for them since I was on campus like 20 years ago but fuck. I want one after all the grueling and mental stakes getting my bachelor’s degree put me through. I know “normal” people probably don’t suffer as much getting their what is supposed to be a 4 year degree but I have had issues that have kept me off track.

Just for fun, I was looking at master’s programs. I want to get a MSPsy degree but I couldn’t find a Mass college that had it. I remember finding one when I first looked it up but I forgot where it was. Turns out they don’t typically have an MS for psych. It’s mostly MAs. So now I am wondering if I should put myself through hell taking this bio class next semester. I still have time to change it. I am going to look a little more for that program and if I can’t find it, I won’t take the class.

I had a hard time going to sleep last night after I watched the final tour of Taylor Swift’s ERAS. I think I finally passed out sometime around 1. I had been up for more than 20 hours. I was tired today. But my bladder wasn’t. I was able to take the steroids early and throughout the day like I am supposed to. I really haven’t eaten much and only had one cup of coffee. I just had a hot cocoa because I wanted something warm. It was good after I put some half and half in it. I took a nap in the afternoon. Then I got a text from my niece saying she was here. She made banana bread for her mother.

I am so sleepy. I didn’t do anything today. I had coffee at my sister’s because my bathroom was being used by my niece’s boyfriend. Tomorrow I am going to try and clear my bed off, even if it is just a little corner of it. I had made progress but then my sister dumped laundry on my bed. I hate when she does this. Drives me crazy.

Going to be a long day

I woke up around 430 to pee and then I started sneezing so going back to sleep was not happening. I was wicked thirsty. I drank more than half of a Powerade bottle and some water. My stomach is still upset from all the food I ate yesterday. I was a hungry maniac. I finished off the casserole, ordered Starbucks for a treat, and then I ordered McDs. I wanted fries so bad. I was going to order from a sub shop but it was like $30 for a sub and fries. I was like, that is ridiculous. I paid half that for McDs. I got a quarter pounder and fries meal.

I was just resting when my sister knocked on the door. The puppy came upstairs looking for love. I gave her a few treats and she didn’t spit them out. For a while she wasn’t eating Milk Bone treats for some reason. She is a picky dog. And spoiled. My sister let her out last night on the porch and she got out because the gate was open. She went out in the street. My niece had to call her in. I am just glad she didn’t take off.

Since I am up and my sister and niece are going to work, I will try and take a shower this morning. I need to trim my eyebrows as they are all messed up and the hair is long. I will keep my beard as it is for now. It’s not too thick yet. I need to go to the pharmacy and pick up my meds. I message my neuro NP about the headaches I have been getting. She decided to put me on steroid pack to see if that calms it down. I am a little nervous because it is prednisone and not dexamethasone. I have more experience with that one than Pred. We’ll see how it goes. Hopefully I won’t have too many side effects.

I talked with my DMH worker yesterday. I had taken a sleeping pill and overslept. I woke up like five minutes after our appt was to start. She ended up calling me. We had a good talk. I will see her again the end of Dec.

I have been watching the final ERAS tour on Disney +. I love Taylor and her costumes but dislike her use of snakes for one of her songs (Are you ready for it). I am snake phobic so it freaks me out a little bit, ok a lot. I watched the documentary this morning after I started writing this. I showered and picked up my meds. I froze my ass off for a half hour as I just missed the bus. I wore a mask and I should have probably kept it on on the walk home but I decided to take it off once I got off the bus. I was wheezing when I got home. Cold air and me don’t mix, even though I love cold weather. I’ll take a day like today over a 90 degree day.

My blood pressure is back to being normal. I am just on 25 mg of the blood pressure med and need to go up to 75 mg. Then I need to get my bloodwork done. I will sync it with my T as I need an accurate level done. It probably won’t be until Jan.

Grades still aren’t back yet. Grade don’t have to be in till the 29^th and I hope the professor doesn’t take her blessed time with it.