midnightdemons7

Saturday Blog 08112025

I’ve been depressed most of the day. I got up late and took my time doing things. I had breakfast and coffee. Then I buzzed my head. It was warm outside so I did it on the porch. The puppy was so confused as to what I was doing. She ate my hair, which I tried to stop but was not fast enough. Dogs. Then I waited to shower. My sister got mad because I left hair in the bathroom. I thought I got every thing but apparently I didn’t. Oh well.

I had a few goals for the day that included showering and reading some articles for my paper. So far I have done one article that I am probably not going to include in my paper. It was about capability of suicide and it was a really poor paper. I didn’t understand the statistics of it but there wasn’t validity and reliability so not good. I don’t think they mentioned what statistics program they used. If they did mention it, I didn’t pay attention. I got a headache and am trying to avoid laying down because I know I will sleep. My sleep has been so messed up. I was having weird dreams last night. I was awake around 7. I thought my cousin was going to go to the cemetery today but she neglected to tell me it was Tues. I told her I had a migraine. I didn’t feel like leaving the house today.

I need to return my library books on Monday. And pick up my meds. I ended up shaving my head. I think I look cool with a shaved head. I like it. My cousin doesn’t. He wanted me to have a whiffle but I don’t like them because my hair grows back all spikey afterwards. I don’t know how to give myself a whiffle anyways. I didn’t do a good job shaving under my chin. I used the electric razor and now I have razor burn. Fuck. I hate it.

I had ice cream for dinner along with pupusas. I wanted something different for supper and I haven’t had them in so long. I had leftovers but I didn’t feel like eating it. Maybe tomorrow. OSU won today. They are 9-0 right now which is so damn good. I think they are #1 in college football. My cousin invited me over to his house for the Xichigan game. It’s the weekend of Turkey day so I might go as I am home alone. I better not be stuck with the dog all weekend. I will be pissed.

For the want of sleep

Last night I went to bed early, like before 8pm I think. I woke up around 11 and it took me forever to sleep. I read my textbook for an hour. I took some Ativan and then was just restless. I kept tossing and turning. I couldn’t get comfortable or stay still. My legs kept wanting to move. I couldn’t decide if I was hot or cold. My feet got hot and I was uncomfortable. It was a horrible night.

I slept most of the morning. When I did get up to have coffee, the kitchen was full of piss and shit so I went back upstairs because I couldn’t stand the smell. I told my niece’s ex to clean it up. When I got up a couple of hours later, the kitchen was clean and he was gone. The puppy was sleeping. She didn’t want too much pets. She hardly moved. I felt bad. I let her be and made my coffee.

The Supreme Court sided with the felon so I can’t get my passport with my gender markers on it. I don’t know if I ever will. A woman from Kentucky who has had four marriages wants to break up the same sex marriage law. She is an evil woman. I am feeling so distressed. I didn’t get a phone call from the new counseling center my psychiatrist recommended. It was way out of Boston area. I don’t even know where exactly it is.

My blood pressure was high today. My pcp wrote back and said to call if I had any questions. I am to continue taking the amlodipine until I see the NP Tues. I hope I don’t need blood work again. My special spot it quite bruised. It will be a few weeks before it heals.

I am so tired today. I have so much to do and I don’t want to do anything. I have ten days before my paper is due. I have no inspiration to write. I don’t even know what the fuck I am doing. I am just looking at research articles and thinking yeah that will be nice but where it will go, I don’t know. I feel really depressed and like a nobody. Like who would care if I died. I don’t matter. I am just useless.

Errands done

I reluctantly got up today. My cousin was going to take me to the grocery store to pick up some stuff I didn’t/couldn’t get through peapod. I can’t believe I spent nearly $400 on food this month. And someone ate my uncrustables again. I am not fucking happy. There were just two left in the box. I had them for breakfast.

My pcp sent me a message that my lab work is fine. All the messed up labs went back to normal and my kidneys have improved. Blood pressure is still high but not stroke like. I am wicked tired after all my errands. I got my second shingles shot. I was too exhausted to do my hair when I came home. I had something to eat and then listened to a lecture I was supposed to listen to last week. I am going through them. I don’t feel like reading as I got brain fog.

I have my final paper due in two weeks and I haven’t even started reading the articles. I have no idea what I am doing anymore. I have so much to do and don’t want to do a damn thing. I am so tired. I know I say that a lot but it is true. Everything makes me tired. I have no energy except during the wee hours of the morning when I can read without a problem. During the day my brain is mush. Sometimes during the evening I can get through a chapter. I am like three chapters and at least two lectures behind. I don’t know what to do first. I am overwhelmed. I hate it. Fucking fuck. I am doomed. Group project was turned in two MINUTES before it was due. I am not happy about that at all. It should have been turned well before that.

I went to bed early last night listening to love story. For some reason, my count has been nulled so it isn’t on my 25 most listened to list anymore. No matter, I will listen to it a hundred more times so it will go back on the list. I love the song so much. I never get tired of it.