it sucks when the bipolar part of me comes out

It sucks when the Bipolar part of me comes out

Past few hours, I have been keyed up. My thoughts are racing. I am thinking of a million things to do at once. Around 2300, I decided to make burritos so I could have them in the morning. I made four and ate one. One burrito was pathetic as I didn’t put enough egg in it. I had fun making them. I thought it was a good distraction for my pain but I was wrong. Soon as I tried to settle down, my pain got bad. I listened to a podcast and that helped some.

I took some more pain meds and was going to turn in. I had to move my stupid pillow that likes to make a break for my nightstand. Somehow moving it caused my fricken ankle and foot to go berserk on me. Now I am in pain again. Glad I took my pain meds. If I could walk, I would probably go for one right now because I just need to burn off this energy influx that I have. I hate when my Bipolar part of me gets activated. I probably will be feeling up for a day or so and then crash like I always do. I know not sleeping the past few nights caused this to happen. Also this time of year.

It’s so weird because it’s like my mood took a complete 180. The other night I was swimming in despair and now I feel on cloud nine. I am in pain but it isn’t quite affecting my mood so much. I can handle it a little bit better. Yet I still want to end my life. I am just trying not to dwell on it so much right now because things have shifted. I know it is temporary. I will probably feel like shit tomorrow and not want to get out of bed. I need to go into town though. I have to get my meds squared away. Fricken hate this sometimes but it is a necessary evil.

I feel like having another cup of tea but I know if I do, I probably won’t sleep at all. I really am on a tea kick. I don’t know why. I should make coffee tomorrow and see if I can drink it. I have been wanting to see if I could drink it but I am not sure. I think the new French press might have changed the way the coffee tastes. It has a new filter so the right amount of coffee is being filtered. I am just wondering if it is taking the flavor away as well. Or maybe I am not using the right amount of water. I don’t know. I had it down pat the water to coffee ratio. Now I think I have to adjust because it is a new press. Maybe I am off by an ounce or something. I hate playing with it. I wish the beaker had markings on it saying how much water you are putting in. I have just been going by the wordings on the container. Not a good measure, I know. But on my old one, that was how I knew I put just the right amount of water to coffee.

I just emailed my psych telling her I am hypomanic. I told her I don’t expect it to last. Thank fucking god I don’t get paid this week. God only knows what shit I would buy from Amazon. One of the Twitter people I follow had an Amazon suggestion for a pine coffin. HOLY SHIT! That is all I need to know. I can build my own coffin! I want a pine coffin anyway. I don’t need the fancy shit. Just put me in the box and then in the furnace. It said it was good for cremations. It was $600 though. I don’t have that much dough left over after I pay all my bills. If I skim, I usually have around $200 or so. I am trying to lower my grocery order to less than $150. I want to make cauliflower buffalo bites so need the ingredients for it. I think my mother and I will like it. I am just worried the stuff is not going to stick to it because according to the directions, all it needs is water on the cauliflower and then you dip it in flour and then flax seed. I don’t know if there is more to it than that. I had the recipe up but I had to restart my laptop because it was being a fink. I will be so damn happy when my other laptop gets fixed. Then I can shove this POS in the toilet. Actually, probably not as I don’t want to wreck the plumbing.

My ankle and foot are really fucking hurting me. Making those burritos was not a good idea, even though my belly is happy. I need more picante sauce. I had to order it. I just hope I have enough until next week. If not, I know Walgreens has it. I can pick it up later today when I go out, which might be in twelve hours from now. Fucking fuck. IF I get to sleep. I bet my mother is going to fucking call at 8 asking me to put on her socks. I hate doing it only because you have to wear these thick gloves that have special contacts on them to make putting on the socks easier. They do help so the sock doesn’t slip so easily. But they are so damn tight and hard to take off. Putting them on is hard too.

The podcast I heard tonight was Terri Clark and Sara Evans, two country music artists. They were talking about how females were basically being shut out of commercial country and they are. All you hear on the radio are male artist and that bitch Miranda Lambert, who got all the fricken female awards at the ACMs. Carrie Underwood is big but Miranda is a slimeball. In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t like her much. She just looks like a bitch. I miss the radio days where you did hear Terri, Sara, Martina McBride, Mary Chapin Carpenter, and others from the 90s. Maybe I am just an oldie. But their music was good and made you get into a groove. I like the male artists but like Terri and Sara was saying, they all sound the same. And they do. They don’t have a distinctive voice like Chris Stapleton or George Jones. Tim McGraw has come a long way but he is moving toward pop like the rest of them. Taylor I can’t say. I will love her always, even though her videos are like WTF. She has moved to pop, too though she is trying to go back to country, so they say. I think she will have some competition with bitch face Lambert. I heard she is doing something with Sugarland. That will be interesting because Jennifer Nettles and Kristain Bush are wonderful songwriters. I really can’t wait for their album but I think it will come out after I am gone. Even country radio has changed. I started listening to WKLB in 1993 when they first aired. They had many personalities and the only one that has remained throughout the years has been Carolyn Kruse. She is a sweetheart. I was sad to see Lori Grande, Keith Stephens, JW, and Steve Kelly leave. I don’t know if they were fired or left voluntarily because their contracts were up. We’ll probably never know. I know a lot of their fans were hurt. I know that if Kruser leaves, I won’t listen to the station anymore, which will kind of stink because I won’t know new music coming out from new artists. I follow a lot of my favorite artists so I keep a float with their new stuff. But the others, like Cam, I would probably miss if it weren’t for the radio. I found out Cam came out a couple of years ago. She had a Grammy for her song Burning House. I never knew that.

any thoughts?

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