midnightdemons7

Out in 90 degree weather

It was hot out but not humid thank god. I think I would have died as I walked from the train station to the DMH office. My legs felt like a combo of cement and jello as they were heavy and weak. I had one coffee before I left the house and then I took a Lyft to the train station so I could get a latte and something to eat at Starbucks. I rested as much as I could and it still took me almost twenty minutes to walk 0.1 miles. My legs were not having it so I had to walk slow.

After the appt I went to the grocery store. Luckily the cereal aisle was near the milk. I also got some chicken wings for dinner as I have been craving them. I got a steak and cheese at Jersey Mike’s as it was a new place I never been to. It was a good sub but the bread was not good. It fell apart as I was eating it.

I got home quick. Train and bus were minimal wait though it took me forever to walk down the street that becomes a mile long. I stopped midway for a bit. I had to rest. I hope that once I start to lose weight my legs don’t become jelly. I am so glad I didn’t take the puppy with me. I thought about it but it was too much heat. I became a sweat ball by the time I came home. My shirt was soaked with sweat.

I talked to my DMH worker about my therapist. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, partly because the Sox score kept seesawing back and forth. They finally won in the 11^th inning. I was fidgety and thought about what the therapist sent me. I went over it and it had NOTHING to do with me. I couldn’t connect with it and it made no sense trying to learn it. What I sent her made sense and applied to me. There is no reason to go to another set of beliefs. I started writing a post but I was so tired I couldn’t get my thoughts together. I wrote a paragraph. I will share it tomorrow. The platform that she uses for virtual appts isn’t zoom so I can’t share the doc. I will just message it in the app.

I am tired. I just gave the puppy a bunch of treats.  Then we played tug of war. She doesn’t get aggressive. She has to be the calmest puppy I’ve ever met. She will have her zoomies though. Out in our yard she runs around like crazy. I love her so much.

Allergies bad today

Since waking up this morning, I have been sneezing my head off. Not only in my room but in the kitchen as well. It is cool out today and the pollen is low but it is grass which I am allergic to. I feel ok otherwise, maybe a little tired. I tried doing the laundry today. The comforter my niece has needed two dry cycles. I am waiting for the second to stop so I can put the towels in to dry.

I was feeling pretty depressed this morning. I have to clear my bed off but I have no energy to do it. It was a challenge today just to brush my teeth. I can’t blame the puppy because she isn’t here. I had my last salad kit for lunch. I had two cups of coffee. It should just really be one big cup but the Keurig doesn’t make it big enough and I don’t have a big sized cup so two it is.

I made a PB&J for supper. I drank one of Starbucks energy drinks with it. I didn’t like it and I have another one in the fridge. It was a lot of seltzer and now I have gas pains. I don’t know. I have been fighting sleep most of the day. But no matter what room I enter, I start sneezing. It is cold in my room because I had the AC on. I shut it off but it hasn’t warmed up. My feet are cold.

All I’ve been thinking of counting out some pills or dying. My sister set off my PTSD when she came home and I just had enough. I don’t feel safe at home anymore. My nerves are shattered. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells. I hate it. I wish there was a way out or a place I could go to. I don’t need this stress.

A cooler Monday

I had my AC running and I had to shut it off as I was cold. The temps were in the 70s and it was a nice relief. I had strange dreams last night. One that I remember was about me presenting as an author my book that I didn’t write as I didn’t recognize the title. But it had my name on it. It was an LGBTQ+ affair and my pcp’s office was involved. Somehow I lost my pants after the presentation and we were all sitting around in the office. I had to borrow someone’s pants and the person was a size 2. The pants just fit my thigh. I am a stocky person so these pants weren’t going to do it. I woke up as I was trying to get them on.

I took my meds at 8 but I didn’t get up till 11 or 12. I don’t remember. I made it to the back porch after moving some stuff so I could get my coffee. I made some pancakes. I think I am going to make some meatballs and have a sandwich with them tonight. Last night I made a tuna sandwich. It was the only thing I ate all day. My appetite hasn’t been so great the past few days. I woke up with my chest sore. I slept in one position too long. I’ve been having chest cramps. I feel miserable. Last night I was really depressed. I keep thinking of ending things. But the thoughts go away. They don’t stay, which is good.

I don’t have any plans this week except meeting my DMH worker later this week. Oh, and I have therapy Friday. The temps are supposed to go back up the end of the week. I need to see my DMH worker as I have some paperwork for her. My sister gave me one of her work envelopes and I am scared to use it because to use privately you have to pay a $300 fine. The way the government is right now, I don’t need a hassle.

I had two cups of coffee and I am still fucking tired. It’s windy out. If I had the energy I would go to Starbucks. I can’t believe it’s almost the end of July. I really need to step up my reading. I want to finish the definition of suicide so I can start my textbook the beginning of August.