midnightdemons7

Allergies bad today

Since waking up this morning, I have been sneezing my head off. Not only in my room but in the kitchen as well. It is cool out today and the pollen is low but it is grass which I am allergic to. I feel ok otherwise, maybe a little tired. I tried doing the laundry today. The comforter my niece has needed two dry cycles. I am waiting for the second to stop so I can put the towels in to dry.

I was feeling pretty depressed this morning. I have to clear my bed off but I have no energy to do it. It was a challenge today just to brush my teeth. I can’t blame the puppy because she isn’t here. I had my last salad kit for lunch. I had two cups of coffee. It should just really be one big cup but the Keurig doesn’t make it big enough and I don’t have a big sized cup so two it is.

I made a PB&J for supper. I drank one of Starbucks energy drinks with it. I didn’t like it and I have another one in the fridge. It was a lot of seltzer and now I have gas pains. I don’t know. I have been fighting sleep most of the day. But no matter what room I enter, I start sneezing. It is cold in my room because I had the AC on. I shut it off but it hasn’t warmed up. My feet are cold.

All I’ve been thinking of counting out some pills or dying. My sister set off my PTSD when she came home and I just had enough. I don’t feel safe at home anymore. My nerves are shattered. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells. I hate it. I wish there was a way out or a place I could go to. I don’t need this stress.

A cooler Monday

I had my AC running and I had to shut it off as I was cold. The temps were in the 70s and it was a nice relief. I had strange dreams last night. One that I remember was about me presenting as an author my book that I didn’t write as I didn’t recognize the title. But it had my name on it. It was an LGBTQ+ affair and my pcp’s office was involved. Somehow I lost my pants after the presentation and we were all sitting around in the office. I had to borrow someone’s pants and the person was a size 2. The pants just fit my thigh. I am a stocky person so these pants weren’t going to do it. I woke up as I was trying to get them on.

I took my meds at 8 but I didn’t get up till 11 or 12. I don’t remember. I made it to the back porch after moving some stuff so I could get my coffee. I made some pancakes. I think I am going to make some meatballs and have a sandwich with them tonight. Last night I made a tuna sandwich. It was the only thing I ate all day. My appetite hasn’t been so great the past few days. I woke up with my chest sore. I slept in one position too long. I’ve been having chest cramps. I feel miserable. Last night I was really depressed. I keep thinking of ending things. But the thoughts go away. They don’t stay, which is good.

I don’t have any plans this week except meeting my DMH worker later this week. Oh, and I have therapy Friday. The temps are supposed to go back up the end of the week. I need to see my DMH worker as I have some paperwork for her. My sister gave me one of her work envelopes and I am scared to use it because to use privately you have to pay a $300 fine. The way the government is right now, I don’t need a hassle.

I had two cups of coffee and I am still fucking tired. It’s windy out. If I had the energy I would go to Starbucks. I can’t believe it’s almost the end of July. I really need to step up my reading. I want to finish the definition of suicide so I can start my textbook the beginning of August.

I’ve been feeling down all day. I didn’t sleep well last night so slept in really late today. I got up around 3pm. I had a coffee and then I showered. I also shaved my head and brushed my teeth. Then I kind of snoozed. I didn’t get up till 730 when I had to take my night meds. I had something to eat and then I did my meds for the week.

It was really hot and muggy today. I got another headache. I just feel like shit.