midnightdemons7

For the want of sleep

Last night I went to bed early, like before 8pm I think. I woke up around 11 and it took me forever to sleep. I read my textbook for an hour. I took some Ativan and then was just restless. I kept tossing and turning. I couldn’t get comfortable or stay still. My legs kept wanting to move. I couldn’t decide if I was hot or cold. My feet got hot and I was uncomfortable. It was a horrible night.

I slept most of the morning. When I did get up to have coffee, the kitchen was full of piss and shit so I went back upstairs because I couldn’t stand the smell. I told my niece’s ex to clean it up. When I got up a couple of hours later, the kitchen was clean and he was gone. The puppy was sleeping. She didn’t want too much pets. She hardly moved. I felt bad. I let her be and made my coffee.

The Supreme Court sided with the felon so I can’t get my passport with my gender markers on it. I don’t know if I ever will. A woman from Kentucky who has had four marriages wants to break up the same sex marriage law. She is an evil woman. I am feeling so distressed. I didn’t get a phone call from the new counseling center my psychiatrist recommended. It was way out of Boston area. I don’t even know where exactly it is.

My blood pressure was high today. My pcp wrote back and said to call if I had any questions. I am to continue taking the amlodipine until I see the NP Tues. I hope I don’t need blood work again. My special spot it quite bruised. It will be a few weeks before it heals.

I am so tired today. I have so much to do and I don’t want to do anything. I have ten days before my paper is due. I have no inspiration to write. I don’t even know what the fuck I am doing. I am just looking at research articles and thinking yeah that will be nice but where it will go, I don’t know. I feel really depressed and like a nobody. Like who would care if I died. I don’t matter. I am just useless.

Errands done

I reluctantly got up today. My cousin was going to take me to the grocery store to pick up some stuff I didn’t/couldn’t get through peapod. I can’t believe I spent nearly $400 on food this month. And someone ate my uncrustables again. I am not fucking happy. There were just two left in the box. I had them for breakfast.

My pcp sent me a message that my lab work is fine. All the messed up labs went back to normal and my kidneys have improved. Blood pressure is still high but not stroke like. I am wicked tired after all my errands. I got my second shingles shot. I was too exhausted to do my hair when I came home. I had something to eat and then listened to a lecture I was supposed to listen to last week. I am going through them. I don’t feel like reading as I got brain fog.

I have my final paper due in two weeks and I haven’t even started reading the articles. I have no idea what I am doing anymore. I have so much to do and don’t want to do a damn thing. I am so tired. I know I say that a lot but it is true. Everything makes me tired. I have no energy except during the wee hours of the morning when I can read without a problem. During the day my brain is mush. Sometimes during the evening I can get through a chapter. I am like three chapters and at least two lectures behind. I don’t know what to do first. I am overwhelmed. I hate it. Fucking fuck. I am doomed. Group project was turned in two MINUTES before it was due. I am not happy about that at all. It should have been turned well before that.

I went to bed early last night listening to love story. For some reason, my count has been nulled so it isn’t on my 25 most listened to list anymore. No matter, I will listen to it a hundred more times so it will go back on the list. I love the song so much. I never get tired of it.

Boring day

My alarm and bladder went off this morning and I didn’t want to get up at all. But I had to. I managed to make it to the bathroom on time. I brushed my teeth and then had a cup of coffee. I was kind of gaggy this morning for some reason. I hate when I get that way. But my post nasal drip is out of control. I also have a runny nose. I wasn’t going to go on the T today. I decided to take a Lyft to my appt. It was less spoons doing this. I wasn’t so exhausted when I got to the clinic.

My blood pressure was a little elevated when I was there but my doc always seems to calm me down and my blood pressure was close to normal when she took it. She decided to put me on one of my blood pressure meds but at half a dose. I am to report on Thurs on how I am doing. Then I go back to the clinic on Tues to see the NP. I had repeat labs done, which still are not back. Things are changing in the lab as they are spinning down the blood at the clinic now.

I walked to the station as it was nice out and I felt ok walking. I got a message from my group that the project has been turned in. I am so glad it is over with. Now I got to read all the articles I downloaded and start my paper that needs to be 15 to 20 pages. This week’s writing is abstract writing. So that is going to be fucking fun. I don’t know if it is extra credit or for a grade. There is also something to do with pickle dish which I am not sure what that entails yet. There are three parts to it to receive full credit. I am wicked tired today so will deal with it tomorrow.

My groceries came and I was worried about the puppy as it was just me being home. She was good until her momma came home and then she went nuts. My niece helped me bring up the rest of the groceries and I was thankful because I was getting short of breath and tired. I didn’t get my full order of Powerades but I got most of them. Now I got to figure out where to put them in my room. I got to clean up where I normally put them. I have a pile of laundry that needs to be washed and old bags that need to be removed. Tomorrow I am going to the grocery store again because I need deli meat. I want to make my turkey, stuffing, cranberry sandwich.

It hasn’t been that warm but I have been sweating from walking around and going up and down the stairs. I wanted to cut my hair today but never got a chance. Maybe tomorrow after my vaccination. Depends on how I feel. I still am not sleeping that great. I keep waking up in the middle of the night or early morning. I am having sloppy joes for supper. Need to eat it before it goes bad. I am the only one that will eat it.