midnightdemons7

Pieces of my heart

Therapy today was a disappointment. She switched to remote this morning so I didn’t leave the house again. It was a nice day but I really didn’t go outside. She didn’t ask how the suicidality was and I didn’t tell. The session was short but I didn’t care.

I never got started on my paper or did my quiz. I just couldn’t get going today for the life of me. I slept ok but couldn’t get up. I got her message about being remote and then went back to bed only to wake up a few minutes before session. I didn’t have coffee until afterwards.

I need to get my blood work done. Maybe I will go next week. I don’t have any plans for Tues so I might go then. I have nothing planned for next week other than seeing my DMH worker and therapy. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow but I don’t think anything is going to happen about it.

One of the suicidologists I follow wrote this.

My psychiatrist got back to me late last night but I went to bed and wasn’t going to open the message. I woke up at 130 to pee and was up for a bit. I don’t know if I read the message then or not. But he said we’ll sort it out at the next appt. And I was like that is in fucking July!! So I called today to move up the appt. I see him Thurs. Asshole.

I haven’t done anything all day. I tried working on my paper and nothing was coming to me. I finished the book last night. I didn’t like the ending. Sums up my suicidality.

I never got my blood work done. I woke up at 11 or 12 and it was too late for me to get moving. I went back to sleep. I’ve been spending a lot of time in bed lately. That’s not like me. I don’t care. I was up till 5am or so. I was exhausted.

Sucky Monday

I had a good sleep but bad dreams. I dreamt my mother called me daughter in the dream at least three times. Then I was wearing a red and black wig while traveling on the train and got misgendered as a woman even though I had a beard. I kept saying I was a man. And I know I woke up from my mother’s dream saying don’t call me that. I woke myself up.

I talked with my pcp’s nurse. She is so nice and willing to talk to me whenever. I told her how bad things were getting. I messaged my psychiatrist but he hasn’t responded. I don’t see him till July.

I tried to do some school work but it wasn’t happening. I wanted to play with the puppy all day. I did get some notes in a word doc and of course, the app needed to update before I started working. I looked over my Italian and I just have the Quiz to do though what it is on, I am not sure. Apparently, the last class was Thursday so there isn’t class tomorrow. Yay! I will finish the book tonight so I can possibly start the paper tomorrow. I have some idea on what I will be writing.

I think tomorrow I am going to get my blood work done. It is driving me crazy that doctors and the NP doesn’t know how to order LFTs. There is a lot of duplicate orders. It bothers me. It cancels out though, I won’t get charged except for the ordered tests. I am so tired. I have been fighting a headache the last couple of hours. Wasn’t helped by the text fight I had with my sister. She seriously needs help and refuses to get it. She is so pathetic. Makes me so mad. Yet I go to therapy every week.

I told the nurse today I don’t know what I am going to do after this week. I got ideas going around my head. I might attempt or I might just go in the hospital. I haven’t decided on what I am going to do. I also told her I won’t know until sometime in June about financial aid. I am absolutely terrified about it. I was vague in the message to my psychiatrist. I know he is in the office tomorrow so maybe he will respond then.

I was listening to Pearl Jam today, their greatest hits album. I actually haven’t heard it in a long time. It was good hearing songs I forgot about. I mostly listen to Ten, VS, and Lightening Bolt when I am in a Pearl Jam mood.