midnightdemons7

Waves

I didn’t want to get out of bed today but my bladder needed to be emptied and as there isn’t a bathroom where the bedrooms are, I had to go downstairs. It woke me up some and I definitely needed coffee. I decided to skip the home brew and just head to Starbucks. It was around 10 or so anyway. I figure with me leaving early, maybe the caffeine would wake me up enough that I could read a chapter or two in my book as I wasn’t able to last night.

I got to campus with 45 minutes before class. I found a seat and read a chapter. It was small. Class went ok and I realized we are supposed to be in the 300s. I just got to around 200, I think. I should hopefully be caught up by Tues. I got to do Italian tonight and the next few days. I need to finish it before Sunday as I am going to a party and I want it done so I don’t have to do anything when I come home.

Last night I felt like I wanted to die. I don’t know why. I didn’t plan or anything. I sat with it. I texted my therapist and she had a cancellation for tomorrow so I am seeing her. She also had one today but I couldn’t make it because I was still traveling home. I met with my psychiatrist today. I can’t tell if he thinks I need to be in the hospital or not. I am doing all I can to stay out of it. I told him about the dreams of my mother and psych hospital. He says they are concerning.

Tomorrow is my mother’s anniversary. It’s been two years since her death. I am going to celebrate by having Chinese food. I also ordered groceries finally. Nearly $300, with tip. I  had to do it because I didn’t get groceries last month and I have no more drinks. I just hope I am not waiting all damn day for them like I did before and my cheese that I ordered is sliced to normal slice not blocks of cheese. I have no idea what I am going to do with the cheese that I have. It’s too thick to use and I don’t have a cheese slicer.

I have such a headache right now. I got a headache yesterday too. I know it’s because I am tired. I went to sleep after I had therapy yesterday. I got up around 5 I think. I had something to eat and then read for a bit before going back to sleep. I pretty much slept all night. I was up at 4am on Tues. and I didn’t go to bed till around 9. A long day for me. I did a lot of walking that day too. I am glad I slept late yesterday for therapy or I would have done more walking. I am surprised my therapist only gave me a half hour yesterday. I don’t know why. I am seeing her tomorrow morning though. I hope it is for 50 mins.

I did a lot of that today. I’ve been up since 4. I woke up from a dream about my mother. For a few minutes it was like she was alive and we were talking like we always do. Then I woke up and got a headache from hell. I just got a migraine.

I went to class. I struggled to pay attention. I was so damn sleepy. I tried snoozing on the train but there was someone who was smoking and he kept passing out. I reported him but no one responded. The train smelled of smoke. I hate it. I had to hold my bag because the guy spilled his drink. I had to wait for the bus. I was so hungry and tired. If I didn’t have to pee I would have gone to Starbucks for something.

I tried to nap but my bladder kept me awake. I took an Ativan. I am gonna go to bed early. I have therapy tomorrow. I am really surprised the office didn’t call to confirm. I got such a headache. Hope I can sleep. I slept through the night despite waking up around midnight because of a thunderstorm. I dreamt my sister called me but she didn’t. Then the thunder scared the crap out of me. It must have rolled for like two minutes. It was so loud. It was a nice day but the wind made it colder than it was. Tomorrow is supposed to be 70 but rainy.

Trans Visibility Day 2025

I talked with my DMH worker today. It was a good talk, though I don’t think she understands that the Felon is taking away federal grants and money away from transgender students. Yes, I am a low income earner, but that isn’t enough to get me the money I need for my degree. I might be able to get money from school. Fuck this is so nerve racking. So today on visibility I am trying to be visible and heard.

I made a cake today that I have been meaning to make since I got the ingredients. I forgot one ingredient, the milk so it was kind of thin. It was still good and lemony. I might make it again, with all the ingredients this time.

I had a weird night of dreams being in the psych hosp. The social worker said that she spoke to my sister and I said I wish you would have told me as she has been drinking since 11. I don’t know why I thought this. My sister wouldn’t drink at that time. I don’t know. I kept looking for my room and when I found it, my bedding was changed to red sheets. My roommate had changed my sheets and I refused to use them. Then I woke up. I wanted to read my book today but I went to language lab and I am so tired. I used most of my spoons to make the cake. I tried to do some Italian work but I was failing miserably. I just looked at the quiz and I am freaking out. At least with the language lab I now understand a little more about reflexive verbs and which auxiliary verb to use.

I ran out of spoons to read. I am tired. The Sox lost again today. First inning was completely terrible. Devers continues to struggle. It hasn’t been a week yet and already he hasn’t gotten one hit. He keeps on striking out. I don’t know if he will catch up. He didn’t have too many Spring Training games. I am trying to be patient with him but it is disappointing. Their record is 1-4 right now. Sad.