Because I don’t keep up with my music, I just purchased a song I already have thinking it was a new song by Lifehouse. Song is called broken and I find that I resonate with the lyrics. I find that I am my heart is still beating despite a broken heart and I’m hanging on another day because I can’t end my life. People always say that you will be ok and I often put in hope in that statement but when the next day I feel the sting of the pain of living I doubt this hope I have been searching for is true. Maybe hope is just something people give so they can feel better about themselves when the person they are telling it to is hopeless beyond hopeless. They do whatever it takes to get the person that is feeling hopeless to feel hope again, if just for a day because they know that if they do not, suicide is a risk.
This is what I base most of my therapy sessions on, that I won’t feel so bad after session as I would without. But right now my therapist is on vacation and my life is in limbo because of my disability. I wish that I could say that I had hope but I don’t. Everything just feels so far away from my grasp and I feel like I am just going to get the short end of the stick, that I won’t get approved for either disability of my work or government because I just am not “sick enough” to get it. Mentally I have been in a rut for so long I don’t see myself coming out any time soon. Physically I am in pain all the time so where does hope leave me? That Maybe my pain will be less and I won’t be as psychotic as I once was so that I can go back to school and finish my degree? Yea right. Any type of stress will activate the bad hallucinations that I hear and seeing as I am an under a tremendous amount right now, I will probably not see an end of me taking my antipsychotic pill any time soon. It sucks taking medications everyday but it is what needs to be done to keep the blood pressure from going sky high, the nerve pain to shocking levels, the psychosis under control, the depression in check, and to keep my hormones at a steady level. Course once I no longer have insurance I am not sure how I am to afford all these medicines. It makes the pit of my stomach plummet to the abyss where I am not sure it will be coming back.
I wonder if I string some lyrics of different songs together if they will come up with something good. Cause I know the power of a song when a song hits you right by David Nail (Sound of a million dreams) is a good example of how these lyrics can give meaning to one or the melody can stir a memory on a july Saturday night…(Eric Church, Springsteen).And I can’t breathe but I have to (taylor swift, breath). Though one song that always gets me is John Berry’s if I had any pride left at all. Now that song always makes me think. Or when your eyes were staring back at me from between some letters and some keys and wondering why you keep all this stuff (mary chapin Carpenter, Almost home)
I have been in bed most of the day because the pain has been bad. I have had shocking nerve pains in places where shouldn’t be and my ankle just doesn’t want to be bothered moving. I feel the need for coffee but it is after 5 pm and I know that if I do I will be up all night and that won’t be good as I need to be up early in the morning to take my father to the doctors. Sucks being a caretaker sometimes. But the man is 80 yrs old and doesn’t read or write English so someone needs to be with him.