So with my perception blog, I added it to my other blog and called it my last. I had a stalker on the other one and it crept me out that she was following what I was saying and needed my imput after every comment she posted. I don’t need that type of harrassment. I want to be able to write what I want and not worry about the content. I know my writing is pretty dark but being suicidal isn’t a life full of being in a rose garden, seeing things through rose colored glasses. It is about being in a dark place and my blog is my place to vent out my inner most thoughts of the darkest corners of my mind. It is the abyss that I fall into that drives my writing and sadly if I’m not in it I cannot write about it. If I don’t feel, I just cannot write. It is very rare that I write about happy stuff because it is too far and in between. I tend not to trust it because I know I will be deeper in the abyss than I was the last time I was in it.
My doctor yesterday told me to lose weight so tonight instead of eating something I had a slim fast shake because I was hungry. I think my days are messed up because I don’t eat regularly through out the day and I might just have one meal a day. Sometimes it is because I am too lazy to cook. Other times it is because I don’t know what I want. But I am going to try the shakes and see if I lose weight and am able to keep it off. I know I have gained weight over the past few months but being inactive will do that. I would love to walk but it causes me too much pain. I have a nice lump on my leg right now telling me I did too much today though I hardly did anything worthy of it swelling. I spend most of my time cooped up in my room because it’s cooler than the rest of the house. I will be the first to admit I am a lazy bastard but when you have chronic pain, there really is no way of being an active bastard. I wish I was working or was able to do volunteer work. I just don’t know. I’m not that much of an out going person.
Tomorrow I have an appt with my therapist that I hope I can keep. I truly cannot wait to talk with her as I have some stuff on my mind I need to get off my chest. Like am I truly a nothing? Lately I just feel like one. I feel that all I do doesn’t matter to anyone and people can care less about me. I don’t know why I feel this way but I do.
Meds are finally kicking in now so I think I will sign off for now. Such a relief for the pain meds to stop the crushing pains I feel every night.
midnightdemons7 