to escape or not to

5-9-12
Been reading Baumeister’s (1990) Suicide as escape from self. A very interesting read about how suicide is really an escape. My favorite line so far in this article is “an unsuccessful attempt may achieve the goal of escape almost as well as completed suicide, at least in the short run and in the suicidally deconstructed state, the short run is all that matters (p90).

It is my belief that by me attempting suicide I will “escape” and therefore may no longer be suicidal anymore. Now if I succeed and no longer cease to exist on the earthly level, I will be happy. If I fail on my attempt, at least then I will know that  I truly tried to escape from my pain, failed but yet I am destined to go on living. Yes it will be a humiliating experience but I think that if I just try to end my life, something good will come out of it. I need the release that unconsciousness brings. But my methods have changed. They are more lethal with less room for rescue and saving.  Should I have no intervention with in the first few moments of the act, I will surely die. The brain cannot survive long without oxygen. And whether I hang myself or put a bag over my head, this will ultimately result in death.

Escape has been what I long for. I cannot fathom living with these feelings of despair any more. I have tried to live and it hurts too much to continue going on day after day suffering the way I do. I just want to be able to sleep and NEVER wake up. I don’t think that is a bad thing to have happen. I know my friends and family will miss me but would they still want me suffering every day knowing that I am in pain or would they want me to be in a better place where I have no suffering?  Death is final. No one has come back from the dead and have said that it was terrible or good. We will never know until our time comes and I have known for some time that my time has come and gone and I just keep living just to keep people happy other than myself. This is not a life worth living when you are just here to keep those around you happy.  It is exhausting work. I will be trying out one of my methods soon. I just need to gather the courage to do it and soon. I can’t take living to my next birthday. I am done trying to live when I have nothing to live for…
Finally finished Baumeister’s escape from self. “In many cases a suicide attempt may effectively stop one’s life and remove one from aversive circumstances, at least temporarily”. Escape theory is right on the money as to why I want to kill myself, something I’ve known for quite some time but this article backs me up about it. Bozo doesn’t want me to attempt but if it provides me with the removal of my negative attributes (I.e., loss of my jobs, self loathing, guilt, etc) why not go for it?!? To not be is what I strive for…obliviation of consciousness….