I finally found the book I was looking for. I read some of the introduction, which clearly states the book is “for clinicians by clinicians”, then read the part about the Aeschi working group guidelines. If everyone is working toward stopping suicide, why can’t someone who is suicidal be a representative of the group? Who would really know what it is like to be suicidal better than someone who is ACTUALLY thinking about ending their life? The whole concept of the Aeschi is to bring clinicians to a patient orient model rather than a physician/clinician knows best model. I have read this book repeated and this is the first time that I got angry at it. I used to marvel at the insights these clinicians have. But now I am second guessing that they don’t know anything. Maybe it just is that I am in a pissy mood and feel like no one cares, that I have cried wolf too many times and that my despair just isn’t important anymore. I don’t know. I do believe that the attitudes need to be for the patient rather than the comfort of the clinician. That part I do believe in.
I was going through the book and I forgot that when I was at the last conference, I had the book chapter authors sign it. I got the John Hancock of my favorites. I kind of laugh because they don’t know that I am crazy and who would ask for an autograph at a professional conference? I even had my consultant sign his chapter. I talked with him after the conference. I don’t think he knew just how much it meant for me to have his autograph in my book. I now have two books signed by David Jobes. Not that it increases the value of the books to anyone but me.
I kind of am in a low mood. I am in mega pain and can’t fricken sleep. I haven’t gone over to the dark side but I know it’s coming soon as I get over tired enough. This really sucks. I am trying to listen to music to help drown out the emptiness of the room but it’s annoying me more than helping. I hope the demons don’t come out tonight. I already emailed my psychiatrist once tonight and I have a feeling I will write something more depressing if Mr. Hyde comes out.
In the book after the forward by Marsha Linehan, I wrote Styron’s cauldron piece. I can’t remember why I did that. But it just seemed fitting. There are a lot of notes in the book that I took. Some I can’t even read my own handwriting! I hate when that happens. I know I am not a suicidologist as much as my therapist thinks I am. I might know a lot about suicide but that doesn’t make me a suicidologist. I am just not quite there yet.
midnightdemons7 