Went to a couple groups today. It went well. The second group I went to had to do with writing so it came natural for me. I didn’t think I could write under pressure as I came into the group late but I was able to write something.
Mood is still bleak. I really hate myself today. I feel super conscious of the fact I am severely overweight and it is bugging me. I guess it because the other patients on the unit are thinner than I am, I feel self-conscious.
I met with the director of the unit today as my attending was off today. It went ok. She wanted me to write down stuff to talk to my regular case manager about on Monday. I will do that tomorrow. I am in too much pain right now to think straight. What I would give for two pain pills right now. It will really take the edge off and help with the PTSD symptoms I am having. But I need to jump through I don’t know how many hoops to get two pills so I rather just rest on my bed the rest of the night. Long as my foot is off the ground, I am ok. It still hurts just not as much.
I just tried to write my therapist letter. I got half a page done before my mind started wondering. I really am going to miss her the next two weeks. My pdoc is back the following week and I hope I can be discharged that week. She wrote me an encouraging email and that made me feel better. I don’t know what I would do without her support. Course she is the reason why I am here.
I had an okay contact person today. She is kind of aloof but can be serious when she needs to be. I hope I have a good contact person tonight. Otherwise, the night is just going to suck.
The suicidal feelings have eased a bit since my pain peaked. It’s like they like to trade off or something. But I am feeling safer on the unit. I still want to die but it is waning.
midnightdemons7 