Not well

I did not want to see my therapist this afternoon so I texted her at like 8 saying I would not be coming in. She asked because? I said no point. She said bullshit. I’ll see you later. I said it was hopeless. She said I’ll see you later. Right before seeing her I apparently sent her a meme and totally forgot I did because she brought it up. Guess the look on my face wondering what she was talking about clued her in that I wasn’t present when I did. Then she told me about the texts and I asked if they were suicidal in nature. Again I blanked. Then it hit me that Hyde has been around. Not sure about Jack but Hyde definitely has. So I had to explain who Hyde was. She said I had dissociative identity and I said yes. I really have been struggling with time and being present but it has been very difficult. That is when she told me I have grounds for admission but not committment. Fuck. She wanted me in the hosp. I told her I didn’t want that. She said I was deteriorating and becoming unstable. I needed to work with my psychopharm to get my meds to get control of the voices. I said wipe them out and she said yes. They were too dangerous right now.

My therapist put it all out in front and I was racking my brain on what to do to avoid an inpatient stay. At this point, as long as I don’t do something to harm myself or say that I will, I can avoid the hosp as there is no grounds for sectioning. I am on shaky grounds. I got 3 weeks before my surgery. I don’t want a 2 week stay inpatient before it. I am battling myself because I know I should go in but I also know my medical needs will not be met fully. Therapist thinks I can get admitted to the hospital where I see her but I’ve never been able to go there and my psych tried several times only for me to end up some place else. It is that some place else that keeps me from going in. I honestly don’t see how they are going to help me anyways as they haven’t been able to do that the last three times I was admitted. I just end up staying in my room because walking around the unit causes me to have flares and I don’t want that. So we are going to do some CBT stuff and meet twice a week if possible. The first thing for me to do is to learn how to breath through a straw. I have no idea why but I will try it. Then I am to blog throughout all of this so that is going to be a challenge. And then I just bought some coloring books and colored pencils to color for distraction from my emotions. She is going to try and get me to stay present with them a little longer so I am not leaving the second I feel them.

I left feeling like my soul had been exposed. She told me I was not well and far from being stable. Great. I knew she was right but I am having a hard time admitting it. I am too afraid of side effects to go up more on my meds. I don’t think meds are the answer. Maybe the voices need to be wiped out for a bit for me to get better. I don’t know.

any thoughts?

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