up very early

Up very early

I woke up around 0130 and never went back to sleep till around 5ish. I slept for maybe an hour before I just decided to get up. I wanted coffee so I made some. Now I seem to have settled down so I might get a nap in. I took my morning meds. I am so tired. My arm is feeling sore but it is ok. It isn’t that bothersome like it was earlier this morning. I had taken my BT meds and it helped. I hope I get the refill on it soon as I am almost out.

I hate when I have an insomnia night. I just feel like crap. I am debating on whether to go back to bed or just stay up. I don’t have PT until 4pm, which is like eight hours from now. I don’t know what I am going to do with my time. Twitter is slow as people haven’t gotten up yet.

Today is one month till my birthday. I feel weird getting older. For a long time I often thought of ending my life on my birthday. But I never was really able to do it because it is so close to Christmas. Now I feel that is behind me and I am sort of looking forward to my birthday even though it will be a crummy day. Last year we didn’t celebrate my birthday because my mother was in the hospital. She still called me to wish me a happy birthday. But it wasn’t the same. We were going to celebrate my birthday when she came home but we never did. I kind of liked the not celebrating but I missed my mother being there for my day. I was really sad that she was alone in a hospital suffering from the effects of Covid. Thankfully she survived it and is much better now than she was a year ago.

Today is going to have to be a day where I put my bladder on a timer because the urge to pee is not present. I don’t remember the last time I went though. I think it was around 5 that I went. But I had coffee so I should go in an hour as the NP wants me to go 2 hours after I have coffee because it irritates the bladder. I keep trying to figure out if cathing is a disability or not. I know the reasons for the cath can be a disability but I don’t know if having to self-cath is or not. I meet with the NP in January. I had a meeting with her in Dec but it conflicted with my eye appointment so I canceled it.

I dragged my ass to PT. I didn’t want to go as I was so damn tired. I took a brief nap between 1 and 2. It was the rest I needed to get going. I had dry needling done at PT. OMG did it hurt but now my arm feels better and I hope that I won’t wake up in pain tonight. I need to continue to put heat on. She said my muscles have a lot of knots. I am not surprised and that is why I am hurting so much. She gave me a way to sleep that I am going to try tonight. I don’t know if it will work but I am willing to try anything at this point if I can sleep through the damn night.

I have so many pillows on my bed. One I sleep on and the others I just hold or have between my legs for back support. As I was laying down in PT, I almost fell asleep. I was so comfortable. I just had dinner of cereal. My sister brought home a little pumpkin cheesecake. It was very good and hit the spot. I just hope I don’t react with the ginger that is in it. I am allergic to ginger. I will be taking Benadryl tonight because I want to fucking sleep. I don’t know if that will keep the pain away but I got to take something to sleep. I reached out to my PCP about not sleeping and the nurse suggested I get in touch with the shoulder surgeon. If I don’t get any sleep tonight, I will call him tomorrow morning. Hopefully I will have someone as it is before the holiday.

any thoughts?

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