a day of anxiety

A day of anxiety

I had a good night sleeping, only waking up twice and being able to get back to sleep after. I woke up before my alarms. I had coffee and oatmeal for breakfast followed by a shake. It kept the hunger down. I drank water while I was out. I took a cab to my doctor’s appointment. Because I didn’t have too much pain in my bicep, the doc decided to inject the area where I broke my shoulder. She said the capsule was inflamed as it didn’t want the needle to go through. That was the only complication. She gave me so much lidocaine, I didn’t feel anything. My shoulder is still numb. After the shot, I started to get tightness in my chest. I think it was just anxiety so I went and got a 4 shot mocha at Starbucks afterwards.

I drank the drink outside where there was a man that kept on asking every person that walked by if “they could help him out”. It was annoying. If I had change, I would have given him something. I feel bad for them. I came home at the same time my mother did. She let me go up the stairs ahead of her as she is slower. I sat in the kitchen to rest. My heart was racing. I filled the water jug for my mother as she was tired and it was hot in the kitchen.

I went upstairs and after I got undressed, I sat on my bed where I experienced palpitations galore. My ankle flared up so I took a Ativan and BT med. Then I got pain in my bladder. I really didn’t want to get dressed. My nephew isn’t home so I just put a tank top on.

Before I left for my appointment, the weight doc’s secretary called. She wanted to book appointments for me. I have an appointment Fri with the dietitian and then end of the month I have the caloric testing as well as body composition thing. Then I see him some time in August to go over the results. The bad news is that I will be in the office for about an hour, if not more. The good news is that there is my favorite burrito place next door to the office so I can have a burrito for lunch. Hopefully the construction around the building will have been completed and there is a place to sit outside. Otherwise I will take the burrito home with me.

This time next year I hope to be able to be shirtless and walk around the house like that. I am wicked tired from my appointment. It took a lot of spoons. I brushed my teeth and shaved off the beard so now I just have a goatee. I plan on giving myself a closer shave tomorrow with the razor. If I am up in the morning I will do it then. Otherwise it will be after my appointment with my pcp.

My gender dysphoria was high today when I gave myself the T shot. My fricken hairy boob was in my way and I couldn’t see where the injection site was. Fucking pissed me off so much. I can’t wait till these suckers are off. I want all the breast tissue gone. Not one ounce of it left. Then small nipples. Hope this can happen. Fingers crossed.