waking up to craziness

Waking up to craziness

I’ve been up since about 0630. I had to pee and then I tried going back to sleep and it was not successful. I took my morning meds. Then I went downstairs to make my coffee and some oatmeal. When I came back upstairs, I turned on my laptop and read Twitter for a bit and found that domestic terrorists are at the Phoenix FBI office armed in military gear protesting the former guy (DJT)’s search warrant, saying it was “illegal”. These fucking nuts better be arrested to set a fucking example to the rest of trump’s army that this isn’t tolerated or I fear there is going to be a fucking civil war again in America. Fascists against democracy. Sadly I fear that it is the color of the skin of these terrorists that make it hard to do the lawful thing and arrest them. Either that or the goddamn police are scared of their guns like at the elementary school in Texas. God that sickens me every time I think about it. It is bad enough an attack on the FBI has already been made. I don’t know where though. This is just crazy to me. And I am scared. Scared there maybe blood shed if these terrorists don’t get arrested peacefully.

I had a similar night as the other night where I woke up to pee at 2 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I went back to sleep around 4 or 5 and then I woke up at 0630. I started reading Beck’s book on Cognitive Therapy with emotional disorders. It is interesting but there is a bunch of bullshit before you get to the cognitive therapy part of the book. I am in the middle of chapter 2. So far it is ok.

I feel really suicidal. My back hurts after cathing and going up the stairs because I stood too long. My bitch sister was hogging the bathroom so I had to go downstairs. What made it worse was I couldn’t find the damn hole as I was inserting the cath. I kept inserting it in the vagina. It was pissing me off. No pun intended. I am so damn tired of this shit. Every two hours I need to empty my bladder. I want to consult with my former urologist but she is in NY and I am in MA. There is no guarantee I can see her quickly. I have tried looking at other neuro urologists in Boston and there doesn’t appear to be one. Just the one I currently see. I am going to ask him about the estrogen bullshit. If it will really help my bladder pain. I also want to have a plan with him that if it flares up again, I would like a standing order for antibiotics for it. I just hope that when I see him Wed I can advocate for what I need from him.

I canceled therapy. I haven’t heard back from my therapist about it. Hopefully she got the text. I just don’t feel like talking this week. I know if she responds, she is going to call me out. I feel really depressed and just don’t want to talk about it anymore. I will talk about it here because this is my space. This is where I express myself. I feel safer talking here than I do with her. I really want to get the key and take the B17 pills I bought, all of them, just to see what they would do. If it kills me, great. If it doesn’t and does something bad, yikes. For all I know, I bought saw dust in capsules and it won’t do anything to me except maybe make me sick.

I read on Twitter that there has been a call to federal agencies from the Trump army with the intention to incite civil war. This is what I was afraid of. Things could get ugly in the next few days or weeks. I don’t have a good feeling about this. My anxiety is really high and I just want to end my life so I don’t have to deal with it. Would have been nice if I had top surgery before doing this but times are tough right now. I feel like a loser and I think I have always been a loser. I feel disgusted with my body. I hate who I am right now. I am tired of pretending to be a woman when I am a man. I am tired of having woman parts. The one woman part that I loved was my clit but that isn’t working anymore. Stupid me, I should have noted the size of it when starting T. I have no idea if it increased in size or not. Still feels small to me but then I think it is because I am on a low dose of T. I am trying to get it adjusted again. But things bring me down. Pain has been the main reason why I am so suicidal, physical and mental pain that I face every single day in one shape or form. Mostly it is physical pain that makes me so very suicidal and fast because the pain is unpredictable. I dealt with it most of yesterday, taking the BT med every four hours because it was that severe. Today the pain is more manageable. Except for my back. I have no control of when that flares up. Thankfully rest eases the pain, usually. It is very rare that I have to take something more than ibuprofen for it because I know that it is muscle pain more than something more serious.

My therapist and psychiatrist wanted me to join groups to alleviate my depression. My therapist called bullshit that my suicidologists don’t have outside contact as a suicide prevention. I never said that they said this. I joined a trans group that meets two days a month. I forget the schedule of it but they will be sending me the link on the next meeting. I don’t think my psychiatrist wants me to pursue ketamine as he said that joining a group was more important than the drug. So again I am failed a treatment that I never even started. I was hopeful that it would also help my pain. Now I am back to being hopeless. Nothing is going to work anyway. My PTSD is severe right now. I am having intrusive memories and bad dreams. I am not sleeping regularly. I might be sleeping like four hours a day, if that. I don’t take naps anymore because my damn bladder prevents me from sleeping, even if I shut the alarm off. It is like my bladder has been trained to go every two fucking hours now and if I don’t go, I get bladder pains. So what is the point of living? I don’t have a life worth living or saving. It is totally pointless. I am so depressed. Severely depressed. Sadly I think only my readers and therapist know this. I don’t talk about my depression with anyone anymore. I don’t tell people I am suicidal anymore because it freaks them out. I am alone and I prefer it that way. It is easier that way. I am not worthy of life.

Until tomorrow readers…