Saturday Blog 20082022

Random Saturday Blog 20082022

This may be long because I have not written in a few days and there are somethings I need to get off my chest. I had therapy Thursday after having a difficult Wed night. My therapist was not sure she could trust my safety anymore because I had texted her that I wasn’t safe. I was having intense feelings of despair. I really wanted to act on my feelings but I just stayed in bed. We talked about ways to cope better. I also found out that my therapist doesn’t think being on pain meds is good because and only because I am suicidal. She is fearful I will OD on my meds despite me telling her over and over I won’t do it. I have never overdosed on my pain meds or even thought about it. Do I know that it is potentially lethal? Yes but so is the bottle of Tylenol I have so…

She wanted me to dispose of one of the bottle I had. This was difficult. I agreed as I had plenty of old meds to dispose of. I texted my barber to get a haircut. That would force me out of the house. However, I wasn’t counting on feeling like a bag of shit yesterday. It was so difficult to move and walk to my destinations. The depression was weighing heavy on my chest. My barber was working on a client when I got to the shop. So I decided to go to the CVS to get a bottle of water as I didn’t bring one with me. Not even halfway there and I felt my legs get heavy with each step and felt being weighed down. I still needed to go into town to dispose of the medication I had. Which meant walking from the station to the main entrance of the hospital. I got to the top of the ramp and had to sit and rest. I should have brought a cab voucher with me so I could have had a ride home but I wasn’t thinking. I was just focusing enough on the task and it took all the energy I had to do this.

I walked in the hospital and went to where the med safe was. I took pictures of disposing the medication. After emptying my bag of all my meds, I sat down to rest some more. I sent pics to my therapist who still hasn’t responded to the texts. I waited a half hour for a response and when I didn’t get one, I left. I realized that I had eaten anything since the morning. I was just drinking water. I felt my sugar dropping. I didn’t have the energy to walk to Starbucks to get something to eat. I also didn’t have cash with me to buy something in the café. I made my way to the station and sat for a bit at the light. I then went to catch the train. The station was crowded and I didn’t know if it was delayed or not. The train came in a few minutes so that was good. I had to stand in the train as there was not a social distance seat available and people around me were not wearing masks. I waited till we got to Harvard so that the train emptied out so I could sit.

I got home and immediately made something to eat. I am glad I had microwave dinners. I had the turkey stuffing one that I like. My mother was making herself dinner too. After I put the dinner in the microwave, I went up to my room to put the AC on and change out of my shoes to my slippers. I drank some Powerade for sugar. I knew I would need to be drinking the next few hours as my urine was dark and despite drinking water while out, there wasn’t much urine production.

I had taken a shower yesterday but need to take one today. I also need to shave. I have to use the benzoyl peroxide stuff on my chest as there is a new break out of acne. I also need to use the cream I bought on my neck. There are some stubborn zits that refuse to go away. I am exhausted so I don’t know if this will happen. I might just take a quick shower so that the hair dust is off my head from the haircut. I still don’t know what happened to my Fusion razor. I am pissed because it was a Patriots handle and I really like it for shaving my head. I want to start shaving my head again so that it is close again.

After I had dinner last night, I had wanted to write a blog but just couldn’t get my thoughts together. I turn on my laptop and when Twitter refreshed, there was a tweet about how Rep. Majorie Taylor Greene wanted to ban not only youth transgender care but also adults getting care from their insurance companies. She also wanted to ban the teaching of gender affirming healthcare at higher ed places. I was so disturbed by this and scared. My gender dysphoria went into hyper drive and I was so upset. I wanted to talk to someone but didn’t know who to call. I wanted to reach out to the trans line but the last time I did that, I was told that my age wasn’t appropriate for service and basically told not to call again. I don’t know if that was the trans line or the Trevor project. I think it was the Trevor project as the trans line doesn’t have text yet and I was texting the service. I thought about texting my therapist but we had a deal where I would only reach out after I used every other alternative/support. I wasn’t suicidal but as I still haven’t had top surgery yet, I was frightened that this wouldn’t happen. It would mean death to me if I couldn’t have this surgery or even be taking my hormones because my insurance wouldn’t cover it. I sent some nasty text to the traitorous bitch. She needs to be voted out of office for good. Such a transphobe.

I had yucky sleep again last night. But I had some good dreams for once. It was like I was in a movie, playing a part. Guns were in the dream and I felt the danger of them. They were not pointed at me but the threat was there in just seeing them. No surprise where that came from. I will try and talk about it with my therapist on Mon if I remember. It is an early appointment so not sure cobwebs will be out of my head. I got to stay up if I wake up after 5am. Once I go back to sleep I just feel like crap the rest of the day and having the med alarm wake me up in the middle of REM sleep kills me.

I had to pee so cathed and it took forever to empty my bladder. My niece was in the shower and I had to take a BM so I just emptied my bladder and then went downstairs to poop. As I was pooping more pee came out of me and I was like WTF. I had to strain because I was constipated so now my ass hurts. I took some more Miralax when I got back to my room. I restarted a bladder med that causes constipation to see if that helps my bladder pain. I still didn’t get a message back from uro about if this med is ok to restart. I just took it anyway because I am fucking hurting and I don’t want to be taking my BT meds around the clock for the pain. Last night I waited for the ER to kick in before I took the IR. Today my bladder pain isn’t too bad so far, which is good because I thought I would have to go to the ED for the pain again.

Ok that is enough word vomit for today. See you all next time

3 thoughts on “Saturday Blog 20082022

  1. I know you don’t know me and saying this will likely make me look like a nut case…but I am here if you ever need a friend. I think having a trans child helps me understand slightly better than some. Age has nothing to do with the struggle if you aren’t looking for an age group for social stuff. Being turned away for seeking help makes me angry for you.
    Anyway. Our reasons may be different but the loss of hope and will to go on is familiar territory. I would be fine texting if you need someone to distract from The Bad Thoughts. Guess it is a weird offer but it isn’t right that neither of us seem to have a lifeline to reach out to when rock bottom hits. Here if you ever just need to vent or rant or be talked off a metaphoric ledge. It is lonely when mind and body betray you at the same time💙


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