not doing well

Not doing well

I saw my mother who is recovering from hip surgery. She was eating lunch and then the nurse gave her meds which made her sick. I had to step out. I felt so bad. She is wicked constipated and they are trying to make her go but nothing has worked so far. I hope she goes soon.

I have been feeling wicked down. I don’t want to do a fucking thing. My recycle bag fell over and now I have bottles on my floor in my room. I am so exhausted I don’t have the energy to pick them up. I just want to go to bed and it is not even 6pm yet.

My bro in law woke me up a little after 7am to get something for my sister. I took my meds and went back to sleep. I didn’t get up till around 11. The little few hours of sleep I had did nothing for my energy levels. I barely made cereal and then when I was brushing my teeth, I puked it up. Today is not my fucking day.

My sister bought me a slice of pizza. I had that and made a pot pie for dinner. I put some dishes in the dishwasher but still have not done the pans in the sink. I keep meaning to do them but I just don’t have the fucking energy.

I feel like I am headed for a breakdown. I keep thinking I need to be in the hospital but I don’t know what they will do for me other than keep me safe for a period of time. But I don’t want to lose my phone again and be without my online supports. I just feel so rotten. I know I got to do this on my own and it is so fucking hard. No one can save me but me. That is the fucking truth. Question is do I want to be saved?