Christmas Eve 2022
Merry Christmas to all who celebrate. I am really struggling. My mood is low and I am just in a precarious state. I am not suicidal but I could be in no time. I am trying not to think about it. I am trying to think of things I can do to make things better. I shaved my face and sides and back of my head. It feels good. The new razor sucks. I was not impressed with it. I had to go back to my trusty Mach3. The new Gillette labs just wasn’t doing it for me even though it had 5 blades.
I made myself an eggs and cheese with spinach meal. It was really good. I put way too much spinach but it was still good. I also put a lot of cheese in it. I loved it. I will make it again. Next time will be with toast.
I thought a lot about the Whitney Houston movie and her death. I couldn’t help but think it was a suicide even though her death was ruled “drug related accidental drowning”. I also thought about my own suicide attempt and how I was alive to see this movie of an artist I truly loved. She died when she was 48 years old. If I had died, I would have been 46. I still regret being alive. I am just so sad. I feel like a damn failure.
I had family dinner of shrimp scampi and scallops with bacon. It was good. I had a glass of wine that made me drunk. My sister got ricotta pie and it was out of this world. It was the best tasting pie I’ve had in a while. Then our neighbors came over and we had a good time laughing about shit. I had a good evening. I had to leave around 8 to take my meds. I had to do my med boxes for the week. I got to pick up a couple of prescriptions but I think the pharmacy won’t be open until Mon or Tues.