Christmas Day 2022
Merry Christmas to all who celebrate, ya filthy animals.
I am having a down day. I saw my mother in the hospital. She was ok until she ate and then she got sick. I had to leave the room as I couldn’t handle the sick. It is one of two things I cannot stand, vomit and respiratory fluids. I just gag. She was resting after she threw up so my sisters and I left. It was hard watching her like this. We don’t know what we are going to do when she is well enough to come home. My sister doesn’t want her to go to a rehab place. I don’t either but I know it will be hard to have her at home as she needs 24/7 care now and who knows what kind of care/rehab she will need for her hip. I am just concerned with her falling at home.
My mood is pretty dark. I don’t want to have dinner with my family but I have to make an appearance. I didn’t sleep last night. I kept thinking about my mother’s situation. I even dreamt about it when I did sleep. I was also up a few times having to use the bathroom. I guess all the water I drank decided to come out in the wee hours of the night, no pun intended.
I feel like I am falling back into a deep depression but I am not suicidal. I am just really depressed and don’t want to do anything but lay in bed. Christmas is not my favorite holiday. Every year is hard for me. I miss my aunts and uncles. I miss spending time with my cousins. It really is just a kids holiday, not made for adults. I don’t have all the physical symptoms of depression as I still have my appetite. I am not eating three meals a day but I am eating something each day. I just feel run down all the time. I have no energy. No motivation. My muscles ache and spasm for no reason. I just think being in the hospital is probably where I should be but I am too highly functional. I can still read without a problem, though I really haven’t touched my history book in over a week.
I had told my therapist before she went on vacation that I would work on my book. I plan on writing another memoir that is focused on being trans. I have no idea what to call it yet or how to structure it. But I know I want to write it. I got ideas about it and I think it will be important to write about how difficult it is to get gender affirming care, even if you are associated with a transgender clinic. It is a big step to go through and to ask for the care that you need, not to mention going through with surgery. Going on hormones was a big decision for me and took years for me to make. It wasn’t until after my father died that I decided to move forward with my transition. It wasn’t easy as I still had to deal with my mother, who I thought would be on board with this but is not. I have so many avenues to write about.
The trouble with writing is starting. They say to write a page a day and before you know it you will have 365 pages done. I have had trouble with this. I know I can write my blog almost every day but there are some days where I can’t write because I am too tired or just don’t know what to say. Since coming home from the hospital, I have had trouble putting my emotions into words, something that I didn’t have before. I usually am able to express myself and if I am unable to do it online, I always have my journal. But there have been gaps in my journal as it has been hard for me to write. I started writing the other night and only wrote half a page. I just couldn’t get my thoughts out as to why I wasn’t sleeping. It has been so hard to write since my suicide attempt. I feel like I have lost my voice. Even writing about being depressed is difficult. The words I used to describe how I feel is lost to me. I just feel really down and dark, like there are black clouds over me. The best way to describe it is the song going down in flames by 3 doors down. That is all I kept thinking about while I was in the hospital, being in the abyss. I don’t know when I am going to be out of it. I know realistically it could be a year before I am back to my baseline depression. If I get out of it at all. They say I have bipolar II but I don’t believe that. I don’t get hypomanic. I just have a constant level of depression that is more consistent with recurrent major depression. I almost slipped into a catatonic state today while we were opening presents. I had to force myself to be present in the moment. My psychiatrist said that there is a chance of it recurring.
My license expired on my birthday. I cannot pick up my Ativan prescription because I don’t have a valid ID right now. I am waiting for the new ID to come in the mail. I hope to get it this week. It will be the “Real ID” whatever that means. I guess I will find out when it comes in.