Lost

Lost

Lost

Song by Linkin Park

Just a scar somewhere down inside of me
Something I cannot repair
Even though it will always be
I pretend it isn’t there (this is how I feel)
I’m trapped in yesterday (just stay out of my way)
Where the pain is all I know (this is all I know)

And I’ll never break away (can’t break free)
‘Cause when I’m alone

I’m lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion

But I’m tired, I will always be afraid
Of the damage I’ve received
Broken promises they made
And how blindly I believed (this is all I know)

I will never break away (can’t break free)
‘Cause when I’m alone

I’m lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion

I try to keep this pain inside but I will never be alright
I try to keep this pain inside but I will never be alright
(I’m lost) I try to keep this pain inside but I will never be alright
(I’m lost) I try to keep this pain inside but I will never be alright

I’m lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion

I have been listening to this song all week on repeat. It sums up how I feel. I have had a shit week where my mother hasn’t been feeling good. It has been hard to see. I seriously thought we would have to take her to the hospital but she felt better yesterday. Today she feels awful again. Watching her has been so hard. I was able to get out of the house for a little bit on Thursday to pick up my prescription. I took a shower that day. I need to take another one today as the heat was on high all night and I was sweating so bad.

I have been shutting down the past few days. It has been hard to write how I feel. I am not really sure I know how I feel. I just feel so numb at times. Listening to Linkin Park’s Meteora’s album has been helping me cope as the lyrics are how I have been feeling. It is just a perfect album to feeling turmoil. Lost just adds to it. I cannot wait for the 20^th Anniversary edition to come out.

I need to do my meds for the week. My primary doc sent the wrong formulary of my stomach pill so instead of capsules, I have oral dissolving tablets. I hate them so much. I specifically asked for capsules and got these stupid tablets. UGH. Now I got to wait 90 days to order the right ones.

I didn’t sleep well last night because it was so fricken hot in my room. I woke up around 5 to pee and had a very hard time going back to sleep. Yesterday I spent all day in bed. I just couldn’t face the day. We had family over the house, again, and it has just been too much. Every other day my aunt comes over. Or both aunts will and then they argue over stupid shit, mostly who is right and who is wrong. It is tiring.