I will always be afraid of the damage I’ve received

I will always be afraid of the damage I’ve received

Still listening to Lost. Today has been a hard day. I was watching my mother. My aunt came over and we talked about things. My mother was okay and then she wasn’t. My aunt broke down crying while my other aunt, who brought a friend over the house, watched. I am really upset that my aunt brought someone over the house while my mother wasn’t feeling good. I mean, what the fuck. I am so tired.

I took a shower because I sweated all night again. I don’t know if someone touched the heat, but it went on and my room got so fucking hot. I slept without a shirt on most of the night. I kept waking up during the night. It was so hard sleeping. Then when I did sleep, I had the weirdest dreams.

I’ve had three cups of coffee today. I feel wired. I have changed my music back to Red TV. I needed to listen to Taylor. I feel like going to the store to get some chips. I am kind of hungry despite eating a cheeseburger.

I have a busy week. I have therapy Tues, PT Wed, and an eye appointment Thurs. I need to get my eyes examined because I think I have dry eyes again. My eyes have been feeling sticky in the morning and throughout the day. Hopefully eye drops will help. I can’t wait for therapy because of everything that has happened the past few days. I feel like I am shutting down. It is hard watching someone be in horrific pain every day and moan. Just fucking sucks.

I am feeling pressured to feel when I don’t know what I am feeling. Most of the time, I feel numb or really sad. Today I felt anger at my aunt for being stupid. I still feel anger when I think about her. I just cannot stand this aunt. I feel helpless when I am caring for this woman that I don’t even like (my mom). It is so hard sorting out how to feel about this. At the same time, I don’t care. Or I don’t want to care. I care for her because it is expected of me. I don’t want the woman to fall or be alone too long. It gets tiring though. I have to watch her again tonight because my sisters are going to the movies. It just never ends. I will always worry about her. I have since I was a kid. I have taken care of her as a kid. It was my job to do it.

I am having an issue with UMB. They refuse (so far) to change my name in the system so I have to use my dead name as my email address. I still don’t have access to the system because I don’t have a password. I will try and call the IT dept Tuesday as the office is closed tomorrow. I hope this isn’t going to be a big issue for them. I don’t see how it is logical to use a name that is no longer valid.

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