Nobody’s Listening

Nobody’s Listening

Song by Linkin Park

Lyrics

Come, come, come, come, coming at you
Come, coming at you, come, coming at you

Yo, peep the style and the kids checking for it
The number one question is how could you ignore it?
We drop right back in the cut over basement tracks
With raps that got you backing this up like
Rewind that we’re just rolling with the rhythm
Rise from the ashes of stylistic division

With these non-stop lyrics of life living
Not to be forgotten but still unforgiven
But in the meantime there are those who wanna talk this and that
So I suppose that it gets to a point where feelings gotta get hurt
And get dirty with the people spreading the dirt, it goes

Try to give you warning, but everyone ignores me
Told you everything loud and clear (but nobody’s listening)
Call to you so clearly, but you don’t want to hear me
Told you everything loud and clear (but nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
Handful of anger held in my chest
And everything left’s a waste of time
I hate my rhymes, but hate everyone else’s more
I’m ridin’ on the back of this pressure
Guessin’ that it’s better I can’t keep myself together

Because all of this stress gave me somethin’ to write on
The pain gave me somethin’ I could set my sights on
You never forget the blood, sweat, and tears
The uphill struggle over years, the fear
And trash talkin’ and the people it was to
And the people that started it, just like you

Try to give you warning, but everyone ignores me
Told you everything loud and clear (but nobody’s listening)
Call to you so clearly, but you don’t want to hear me
Told you everything loud and clear (but nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
Handful of anger held in my chest
Uphill struggle, blood, sweat, and tears
Nothing to gain, everything to fear
Heart full of pain, head full of stress
Handful of anger held in my chest
Uphill struggle, blood, sweat, and tears
Nothing to gain, everything to fear
Heart full of pain

Try to give you warning, but everyone ignores me
Told you everything loud and clear (but nobody’s listening)
Call to you so clearly, but you don’t want to hear me
Told you everything loud and clear (but nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress (nobody’s listening)
Handful of anger held in my chest (nobody’s listening)
Uphill struggle, blood, sweat, and tears (nobody’s listening)
Nothin’ to gain, everything to fear (nobody’s listening)

Come, come, come, come, coming at you
Come, coming, come, come, coming at you
Come, coming, come, come, coming at
Come, come, come, come, coming at you from every side

This song is in my head as I can’t seem to sleep tonight. I got a pain in my chest. Not an actual physical pain but a psychache kind of pain. I got my mother on my mind. I have been tossing and turning the past couple of hours. I finally gave up and took some Ativan to try and get some sleep.

I started re-reading Kay Redfield Jamison’s Unquiet Mind. It is her memoir. I forgot how much she writes and goes off on tangents sometimes. I get it. I used to. It amazes me that when I first started writing my blog, I was writing 1500 words or more each day or every other day. Now I am lucky if I get 300 words written. I was much freer with my words than I am now. I seemed to have closed up over the years, more so in the last few months as I am still recovering from my suicide attempt that I spent two months in the medical floor and one month in the psych unit. My mind still struggles to grasp at feelings. Most of the time, I don’t feel anything but numbness. As my mother gets sicker, I am getting more jaded and irritable at times. I want to be left alone.

I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I started writing another book. This one is a trans memoir. I started writing it because a nurse on the unit wanted me to write, thinking it will be good. I have no direction for this book. It is a hodgepodge of writing right now. No clear chapters or anything. Not a complete mess but I am working on it slowly. I figure I will write more when I am recovering from top surgery. That is the goal anyways. I had an aunt yesterday ask me why am I having surgery as men “have boobs”. WTF how stupid can you be? I was really offended by the question. I’ve been wanting this surgery since I was 13. I’ve waited a long time for this. In thirty-five days, I will have it done.