23 Feb 23

23 Feb 23

I found out today that my mother has a few months left to live. I am devastated by this. I haven’t been sleeping at night. Things have been hurting a lot more, physically and mentally. Last night I had a flare of pain and it took forever to calm down. My foot bones hurt so bad. I just sent a message to my primary asking for opiate therapy to be reinitiated again. I don’t know why I was taken off my pain meds while in the hospital. Emotionally I am sad and frustrated and angry.

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I played with my phone and then I colored a picture in my coloring book. I find that coloring dinosaurs helps me. I didn’t go back to bed until around 5am. I knew the hospice nurse was coming today and I didn’t want to be introduced as daughter so I stayed upstairs.

I don’t know if it is because I am in a depressed state or what, but being misgendered by my mother isn’t bothering me as much. I have accepted she will never see me as her son as painful as that is. I felt this until gender dysphoria kicked in and I hated my boobs. Then she called me she and I said he. She was like “oh yeah”. Ugh.

I’ve had to contact the registrar at UMB again. I have access to the system but there is no information. I have just a blank screen. I am glad I am sorting out the bugs before my advising appointment. I still plan on going part time, taking two classes. I know one of them will be Italian 101 as I need a language and it time has passed too long. They have a rule that only a semester can pass before taking 102 language for their language requirement. I will have to contact Dell about getting a new battery for my laptop because it doesn’t hold a charge anymore. I have about 15 mins now if I take it off the charger. Sucks. No idea how much that will cost and if I will be able to do it myself. Just hope it isn’t complicated.

I was able to make another session with my therapist for tomorrow. I am glad because I really could use the support with this information. I really thought my mother would have at least a year. I feel bad for my niece who isn’t going to have her grandmother at her wedding. After therapy, I need to go pick up my prescriptions. I will stop at Starbucks for my mocha. I might get my haircut tomorrow. Depends how I feel and if my barber has time.