Turn for the worst
I have been up since 0300. I went down for coffee around 0700 and my sisters were changing my mother. She was out of it and my sister said that she doesn’t have much time left. It has been a day. I had therapy but only half a session as I got uncomfortable with the vest on. I just couldn’t sit anymore and I had to pee really bad. The family came over the house. We ordered food. My mother was sleeping through most of it. The times she was awake she didn’t make much sense. She kept on saying words randomly with no coherence to what she was trying to say or what she did say just didn’t make any sense. The hospice nurse wants us to continue doing what we are doing. She has stopped her oral meds and will only take the hospice medication.
We are basically watching her die. I hate it. I feel really sad about it. I don’t know what I am going to do without her. I have so many mixed feelings about her dying and about her in general. It has always been a love/hate relationship. It is hard on my kids. My nephew is despondent. He is really angry. My nieces have been crying on and off all day. My youngest niece can’t handle it. I want to protect them but I don’t know how to.
My chest revealing isn’t going to be until Wed as the drainage is too much. I made my pcp appointment virtual so I wouldn’t have to leave the house tomorrow. I don’t know if it will be a useful visit. I am not quite sure what we will talk about. Things are getting hazy for me lately. I have been so tired it is hard to think. I need sleep tonight and I hope it is through the night.