grief sucks

Grief sucks

I had therapy this morning. It was ugly. I cried as I was explaining how much my mother calling me son meant to me. Problem is, we never spoke about it. While she was having a clear moment before her death, she didn’t recognize me as I was telling her I loved her or something. I don’t know what I said to her exactly. I just don’t remember before she slipped off into unconsciousness again. She thinks meds will not do a thing for me to help me through this. I am not looking for meds, I just wanted my psychiatrist to know how I was feeling.

After therapy, I went to the hospital. I had to have my chest drained. There was a lot of fluid in the right side and a little on the left. I am now wearing a binder that isn’t tight and that I can put on by myself. I might shower tomorrow. I got to go back to the clinic Thursday. After this appointment, I went downstairs to get my blood drawn. PCP wanted a testosterone level done. I think I got it done too early as the level is kind of high. I am sure I will hear about it tomorrow. I just didn’t want to go back into Boston two days in a row.

While I was waiting to get my blood drawn, I thought about calling my mother to check on her. It was an automatic reaction as I usually check on her while I am out for a few hours. I check to see if she needs anything and such. It killed me that she is no longer there. I think some of this grief is trauma related. I see my therapist again on Thurs so will ask her.

I went to Starbucks for a latte and something to eat as I hadn’t had anything to eat except some biscuits with my coffee. I only had one cup and needed more. It was a walk to get back to the station but I didn’t care. I thought about going to the butcher’s shop to get some burgers for dinner but I was so tired by the time I got to the Square, I just waited for the bus home.

I came home and crashed. I plan on having an Ensure for my dinner. I don’t feel like eating. I might get the burgers tomorrow after I get my haircut. I need to pick up my antibiotic prescription from the dentist. I need to find out when to take it as it will be a few weeks before I get my teeth pulled. Hopefully by then I am not wearing this binder. I already hate it and it is uncomfortable when I lay down. My chest is still hurting. I took a gabapentin dose to see if that help and some Tylenol.

I am kind of freaking out about finances. I need to save at least $131 for the dentist to pull my teeth and there are other supplies I need for the house. I also need to get my supplements and more Tylenol. I wanted to get new headphones but it doesn’t seem to be in my budget this month. I still need to get my music. That is a priority, after I pay my bills of course. I need Linkin Park’s Meteora20. And the few songs Taylor released prior to the start of her tour. I just got to find the tweet of what songs they were because they aren’t in an album. Amazon has been difficult about putting it out. I don’t use iTunes. I hate that app.