someday

Someday

I woke up again around 430. I had something to drink and was able to get back to sleep. It was a rough night. I kept thinking about things I need for the hospital and what I want to bring. I have most of my clothes packed. I just need a couple of tshirts and PJ pants that don’t have strings.

I told my niece I will be going in the hospital. She supports me. Today is my half birthday. I don’t know how it got to be Friday. Seems like yesterday was Monday. I haven’t worked on my personal statement since Monday. I am feeling heartache today. I am just so damn down. I have been thinking of maybe going in the ED Sunday night so if there are discharges on Mon I can get in somewhere. I would like to go back to the hospital I was in back in October but there is no guarantee they will have a bed. I just realized the only thing I ate yesterday was two cake pops. I think I had Ensure but I don’t remember. I just don’t want to eat.

I am topless in my room. I had to take my shirt off as I am trying to get used to the new me. I don’t like my belly and I think that is why I am having trouble eating. It is something I am working on though. I figure if I drink a few ensures and nothing else, the weight will drop. Hasn’t worked though for some reason. I know part of it is that I haven’t been active. I hate that I can’t walk like I used to. It kills me that I used to walk at least two miles at a time and now I can’t go more than four blocks without getting tired.