I’m reading Critical Suicidology and am on the section of youth suicide. This excerpt is from page 86 of that book and discusses the wish of suicide. I had to stop reading because it triggered me. I have both, wanted to live and die during the most severe depressions and suicidal thoughts. As I was reading this section, Never Grow Up by Taylor played. I thought about the time I was 10 and wanted to die but also wanted to know what I got for Cheistmas. This is the dynamic I have dealt with all my life. Even while attempting suicide last year, I rolled the dice and nearly died after my efforts. Sometimes I wish I never grew up.
On the bus ride home I thought about my suicidality. It hasn’t really changed much over the years. I still believe I am going to end my life one day by suicide. I was talking to my friend yesterday and I told him the stats are against me. I didn’t want to be alive after the attempt and research has shown that most people do not survive subsequent attempts. We seem to get better at ending our life, I guess. I am not sure if methods change for the attempter or not. That is something research has not shown.
I came home to an empty house, again. I was still listening to Taylor by my Bluetooth headset. I rested for a bit while listening. The new songs are my favorites. It is hard to choose one that is my top 5 song as I love the Speak Now album. But the lyrics get me every time and each time I hear the song, it moves me in a new way. I love it.
I have been thinking about doing something about my beard. I am not exactly sure what. I bought a new trimmer. I need to shave the neck beard. It just gets uncomfortable. My friend that I saw yesterday said I was more of a man than he is because I have more body hair than him. LOL No denying I am Italian.
I’ve had a headache most of the day and it has returned as I am listening to the Sox play. We are leading 2-0 right now in the 3rd. I am tempted to send my pcp a message asking what else can I do about them. I am not 100% sure they are migraines or the beginning of them. I just know my head hurts and trying to read or write or even do something that brings me pleasure (few things do) has been hard to do with the stupid pain. I sent a message to my pcp and psychiatrist as I think broken sleep is contributing to my headaches. My psychiatrist keeps asking me what I have taken for sleep. I feel like it is a broken record at this point. I am on a low dose of mirtazapine so we could go up. I’ll find out tomorrow what he wants to do.
midnightdemons7 