Sleepless night filled with pain

Sleepless night filled with pain

I slept about three hours last night. I just couldn’t get comfortable because of pain and then I had to drive to my therapist’s office. I got some Starbucks before I left town. The pain was unreal last night. I had like four different types of pain going on in various parts of my foot and ankle. At one point, I had to keep it off the sheets because it was causing pain. I took Neurontin and my pain meds as well as Ativan. You would think that combo would knock me out but it didn’t. I didn’t go to sleep until 0530 or so. I swore if I was still up at 6, I was going to cancel the Zipcar and call it a day.

Therapy went kind of bad. We were talking about all sorts of things which were okay and then I brought up my book and how I should probably put a picture of myself on the back cover. I hate pictures of myself because I feel that I am really ugly and fat. I hate the way I look. She immediately goes into therapist mode and I am “diagnosed” as having body dysmorphic disorder. She wants to do exposure therapy to help me see that I am not what my head believes. Sorry, all my life I have been called ugly and fat. I don’t think exposure therapy is going to help. She got on her high horse, like this was going to be the mission for the next few weeks. I dread this idea. For one, I hate taking selfies. They never come out right and if I try to smile I just look like a dork. I think I look better with a serious face. Anyways, I don’t have to have a picture on the book but I was entertaining the idea.

I hate looking at myself. Even when I do have a photo of myself on Facebook or Twitter, it doesn’t last long. I can only stare at myself for so long before I get sick of it. So then I change it to a logo of some sort, usually sports related. I can’t even stand looking at myself in the mirror. I just feel so hideous. I even told my therapist today, I can’t believe she likes to look at me for 50 minutes.

I gave her some of the pumpkin fluff that I made. I actually gave her all that was left because I couldn’t eat it anymore. It was too rich and I couldn’t only have small portions of it at a time. I had some of it before filling the container with it. It was so yummy. But I won’t be making it again. I much prefer cake.

The ride home went well. I took the highway both ways so I made perfect time both ways, though I nearly got into an accident when I reached my town. Fucking driver just rolled through a stop sign and kept going. Idiot. I came home in plenty of time to return the car. But before I did, I had to eat something. I hadn’t had anything since 5 when I had some apple pies and whatever I had with the pumpkin fluff. Not enough to call it a meal.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Sleepless night filled with pain

  1. G. Collerone says:

    I think I slept for like 3 hours before the alarm clock went off

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    so glad you didn’t get in an accident! how long did you end up sleeping for? it wasn’t worth your while going to sleep at 5:30 AM. 🙂 xxx

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