a year ago this weekend…

A year ago this weekend…

A year ago, I was very depressed and suicidal. I was in a lot of pain, physically and emotionally. I was seeing doctors nearly every other week for one thing or another. I was cathing myself every couple of hours which was taking a toll on my mental health in ways that no one was realizing. I was being misgendered a lot at home and it was bothering me. My mother was still not accepting me for being trans. I ended up overdosing and when I woke up the next day, I thought I was okay. I continued taking my meds twice a day with taking breakthrough meds in between.

Tonight I am in a wicked amount of pain in my ankle. Nothing is wrong with it, so to speak. It is just the CRPS flaring up big time. I guess I took too many steps or something. I have no idea. I wish I knew what triggered the pain but I wasn’t hurting until I rested as is usually the case. I have been thinking about what my life has been this past year. I lost my mother. I had a lengthy hospitalization. Then another hospitalization to deal with the loss of my mother. I really haven’t been totally suicidal though the thought has crossed my mind a few times. Luckily, they don’t stay around like they used to. I am trying to move forward. I want to go back to college to earn my degree because that is important to me. It doesn’t matter if I do anything with it. I don’t know if it will be worthwhile to pursue a Master’s degree or not. But I just want my bachelor’s and then I will decide what to do.

Nights like this I remember how much it would kill me and I would think of my demise. I would plan my death. It was the only thing I could do to try and ease the pain. There is nothing I can do to make the pain stop. I distract but it only gets me so far. Sleep is next to impossible as I usually can’t get comfortable.

I am listening to David Nail tonight. I am feeling tired and I want to sleep but I am so scared of lying down and then being in more pain because I am trying to rest. Sitting up doesn’t bother me too much. Got a lot on my mind. I want to text my therapist but it is late and she will just get angry with me. Besides there is nothing she can do for me. I see her Monday. I’ve been anxious for most of the day today. I don’t know why. I often think about what I went through during the hospitalization I went through last year. I don’t remember much about it. I was completely out of it. They ran a lot of tests and I got sick with an infection from the antibiotics. I don’t know if I got Covid or not. They did a spinal tap on me. I don’t know why. They also did an angiogram of my heart for some reason. The angio was negative. I have clear arteries. I wonder if it was because of my tachycardia? I want to ask my pcp the next time I see her. She may not know though. I think it is really funny they did two pregnancy tests on me when I don’t have a uterus. I wish I could remember why I overdosed. I didn’t tell my therapist even though we were in contact up until the time I went to the ED because I was feeling sick. I think I had an appointment with her the day I went to the ED and then told her I couldn’t make it because I was in renal failure and had to be admitted. I don’t remember too much after that. I remember sleeping most of the time and being in dialysis at least twice. The rest of the time, I have no recollection. I don’t even remember having the shits. I know I was on heparin because I wasn’t walking around much and was on antibiotics. I remember them putting in the central line in my chest. The scar still itches to this day at times. I am sort of glad I am off my pain meds but not really. I also was taken off all my meds and whether that factored into my catatonia I have no idea. I just remember being paranoid and delusional, like everyone was against me and was trying to poison me. I really thought I killed my mother and she died of a heart attack but was kept alive by oxygen and air balloons. I have no idea why I thought of something so silly. I have to say that when I came home from the hospital around Thanksgiving time, she was a little nicer to me even if she didn’t use the right pronouns. I know she loved me and cared about me. Just sucked she wasn’t around for my birthday.