feeling sad, tired, and depressed

Feeling sad, tired, and depressed

I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I slept for about maybe 2.5-3 hours and then woke up around 0130. I tried going back to sleep several times but just couldn’t. I finished reading my book and increased the challenge to 16 books so I just have to read three more books for the year. I woke up around 9 and I needed to be up so I could get my prescriptions before my grocery delivery. I didn’t want to leave my bed. It was so hard to move. I felt so sluggish. Having coffee didn’t help. My cousin gave me food so I had the quiche and some sausages for breakfast. I only drank one cup of coffee. I figured if I go out to the Square, I can get Starbucks. I have been in the mood for lemon cake so I got that, too.

I got dressed and then checked the bus schedule. Bus would be here in like 8 mins. I was halfway out the door when I realized I forgot my earbuds. I went back to my room and still had time at the bus stop. I put the buds in and listened to Red TV again. I ordered a snickers latte and lemon loaf. I got them then went to the pharmacy for my meds. There wasn’t a line so I was in and out. The bus home would be there in like fifteen minutes. I drank my latte while I waited. I was saving the lemon loaf for home.

I wanted to write but couldn’t think of what to say. So I finally put the two questions I got from the CBT suicide ideation book into a word doc. Then I just stared at the questions and wondered if I should answer them and how. I am trying to tell myself there are no wrong answers. But then I think of all I went through last year with my suicide attempt and spending three months in the hospital. I had bad dreams about dialysis the other day. I don’t have specific memories just dreams of being on dialysis.

My groceries came and I brought some upstairs with the help of my niece and her boyfriend. My other niece helped me take the rest to my room. I was going to boil chicken in prep for tomorrow but I will just do every thing tomorrow. I plan on making the chicken broccoli casserole again. Now that everyone likes it, I think it will be a keeper. I just got to cut down on the different pans I use for it.

I feel depressed. I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I hope I can sleep through the night. I am going to try and go to bed later tonight. I don’t know what I am going to read. I want to save Managing Suicide Risk for Starbucks. I have a baseball book I haven’t read yet. Maybe I will start that.