Month: November 2023

Went out finally

I woke up and didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to sleep all day. But I had to get my meds. I had a cup of coffee and some biscuits. I brushed my teeth before going back to my room. I was feeling like crap yesterday so never did it. I am growing my beard out but I might shave my head. I made an appointment with the barber for Friday. I have a birthday party to go to Sat and I don’t want my hair to be messy like it is right now.

I got dressed and then went to the bus stop. It was cold but I didn’t feel like wearing a jacket so I just grabbed another lighter jacket and wore my hoodie. I was warm. I got to the bus stop and thankfully there was a place to sit. I waited for the bus as I listened to Taylor’s 1989 TV. I saw on Instagram she release You’re Losing Me on streaming. I love this song. It gives me the feels every time I hear it. She is releasing her movie on her birthday in a few weeks.

I went to the ATM when I got to the Square. I wanted to buy a drink and was debating on getting a birthday card for my uncle. I got the drink and went to get my meds. I didn’t like the selection of cards so I figured I would go to the other store on the way home. I waited for the bus home. I was starting to feel tight in my chest. I was coughing and but didn’t bring my inhaler. I waited it out. It got worse on the way home. I got a card at the store and then went home. I was breathing ok but was coughing up stuff. I made something to eat and then used my inhaler. I feel better now. I got a headache.

I sent my psychiatrist a message about therapy. I don’t want to be in therapy anymore. I don’t know what the point of it is anymore. I’m not sure what my goals are, if any. Apparently talking about my suicidality and trauma isn’t enough like I thought it was. Maybe things have changed and therapists don’t do long term therapy anymore. I have had it going from therapist to therapist, not really getting the help that I feel I need. I thought seeing a CBT/DBT therapist was what I needed. The literature said this and I have been disappointed yet again. I don’t know anymore. Maybe it is me and I am really hopeless and no one has the fucking balls to tell me.

Blank Space

Yesterday I had therapy. It didn’t go well at all. She told me she was in supervision as she didn’t know what to do with me. She doesn’t know how to help me as the suggestions she has made, I have refused. The suggestions were to go to partial hospital and join a support group. I have joined a few support groups. I don’t think partial will help me so I haven’t gone. I was getting upset and she knew it. I told her how intertwined the suicidality and being trans is and she still did not get it. I told her I wanted someone to hear my pain and she went off. I was in my own world by this point and just ended the conversation. I don’t think I will be going back to her. All I can think about is the song Blank Space. She looked like my next mistake and she didn’t want to play. I have a blank space baby, I’ll write your name.

She felt that I wasn’t going anywhere in therapy and because of this she felt ethically obligated to tell me this. I knew then that she and I weren’t going to last. I told her yesterday how I avoided a meltdown when I started feeling super depressed and she didn’t give me any kind of praise whatsoever. I am going to swing not going to therapy for a while. It is the holiday season and people will be taking vacations and such. It will be hard to see a new therapist. I am not sure I want to anyways.

I feel defeated that I have lost yet another therapist.

I have done nothing the past two days. I need to get my meds and just can’t get going. I will try tomorrow. I didn’t sleep too good last night. I woke up around midnight and didn’t fall back to sleep until 530. I woke up tired and didn’t feel like doing anything. I ordered some food because I didn’t feel like cooking. I got the stuff I ordered from Amazon. Some of it is going to my transgender program. I will bring it with me when I go next month.