Month: November 2023

Short goals

I wanted to do three things today and that was to shower, blog, and work on my book somehow. I was going over it last night and it was painful. I managed to shower and brush my teeth. I didn’t shave as it was too much for me today. I had to do things small. I made myself something to eat and had my sister’s corn chowder which was very good.

I am in the throws of depression hell. I am trying to avoid the fall into suicidal abyss. Nothing really set me off. I woke up feeling depressed and it just got worse as the day grew on. I am not thinking about anything in particular. I just feel morose.

I got some feedback about my book and it was that the transition should be living your best life. I don’t know what that is or what it looks like. I am not there yet. I am still struggling to be comfortable in my own body. Last night I was reading the rest of Henry Adams and my stomach just felt so heavy. It felt like I had something hard under my diaphragm. All I had to eat yesterday was the turkey sandwich and stuffing. I didn’t eat anything else.

I wanted something chocolate so I had my Ben and Jerry’s chocolate fudge brownie. I ate the whole pint. It was so good. I just took my night meds. I also set my alarms for tomorrow as my therapy appointment is at 11. I don’t want to oversleep. I slept through our appointment once and I don’t want to do it again.

Saturday Blog 25112023

I have been sneezing since I got up this morning. I don’t know why. I know my last sneeze attack is because someone sprayed something strong scented and I am reacting to it. Whatever it is, candle or something else, is a mystery until I go downstairs. I am surprised my sister didn’t say something when she came up the stairs. I wish I could put my fan on or have the window open but it’s like 28 degrees out and a balmy 68 in my room. I am already feeling chilly and I am too stubborn to put on my long sleeve shirt.

I had two cups of coffee and then brushed my teeth and shaved my head. I didn’t shave my face because I want to grow a goatee again and I am finding it hard to keep the stubble. I might grow a beard again. I don’t know. Facial hair is nice but can be a pain because my face gets itchy. I find that it doesn’t when I am clean shaven. And I like it so it is going to be a challenge not to shave it off when doing my head. I am not sure when I will be see the barber next. I have been keeping it pretty short so there is nothing for him to cut really. I am sure the back of my head is crooked but I don’t care.

I priced my textbook for next semester and it is fricken over $100. So far, only one class has a book and I hope I don’t have to print stuff for the online class. It is an anthropology class so I am sure there is a ton of notes. I remember the one anthro class I took I had to make a bibliography and it was before I knew about EndNote so I did it by hand. Torture. We had to have ten sources for a paper. I don’t remember if it was our finals or not. It was just a pain. I got to relearn EndNote as I don’t remember how to create a new bibliography. It has been a while. I just have one that is all my suicide research papers and books. I’m excited that I am going back to college. I just really hope financial aid comes through or I am going to be paying UMB until I retire.

I wanted to pick up my prescriptions and have a coffee and read at Starbucks but I couldn’t get going today to save my life. I got hungry around the time I should have been leaving but I wanted stuffing so bad. I made a turkey sandwich and had stuffing with pumpkin pie for dessert. There was a cold breeze blowing in the window and I just said fuck it to go out. I’ll go Mon after therapy.

I am glad my toothache finally went away. I had pain from Wed night till last night. It was horrible. I thought it was the tooth I need a root canal on but then my bottom jaw started hurting whenever I drank something cold or hot or had food that was hot or cold. Then both upper and lower jaw were hurting and so I just took some ibuprofen. I bought ice cream but am scared to eat it. I was craving it. I bought pizza and my usual Velveeta mac and cheese meals. I just hope my niece doesn’t eat them. She already had one of my ramen noodles. Ugh. I don’t mind but I am on a fixed budget and what I buy needs to last a while.