will pass like a kidney stone

Will pass like a kidney stone

I was up in the middle of the night again. I woke up around midnight and it took a couple hours to get back to sleep. My heart rate was in the 100s and 80s so I wasn’t too worried but I kept on having anxiety with palpitations that made it so fucking difficult to sleep.

I was anxious throughout the day. I don’t know why my anxiety is up. Then around 4ish, I tanked, pretty hard. I thought about ending it and seriously put in how I could be dead by my birthday if I tried something now and didn’t get medical help. I was stuck in the feelings and thought about texting my therapist but at the same time I didn’t want her to know. I went to the grocery store to get some stuff. My sister took me. I had a break in the feelings for a bit but when I came back home, they returned. I don’t really know why I feel this way. It started last night where I felt like I should just be dead. Nothing set me off. I just had the thoughts of not wanting to be alive.

Right now I am listening to Linkin Park. It is helping. I have been up for a few hours yet I am tired. I hate the exhaustion from being tired all the time. I just can’t seem to get my thoughts together. I am in pain, physically. I always feel run down after being up a few hours. I feel like an infant as I rest for a few hours after sleeping for a few hours. It is draining.

I haven’t done anything today except eat. I bought some cold cuts so I could have lunch tomorrow. I wanted a turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet and I am late in taking my night meds. I don’t care because they don’t help me sleep anymore. I feel like they are useless. But I know the Latuda is working because I haven’t been hearing voices or have delusional thinking or paranoia. I am feeling so run down, like I am getting something. My sister had a cold. I hope I am not getting it. I have been careful with making sure I wash my hands. I need to shave my head. I don’t think it will happen tonight. Tomorrow I am going to see my cousin. It should be a good day. Least I will be out of the city for a bit.