Saturday Blog 03022024

Saturday Blog 03022024

My sister was able to print out my disability paperwork that I needed. It makes me sad because I used to be able to walk where ever and now I need to stop every hundred or so feet. Just walking to the bus stop some days can be a challenge and it isn’t that far a walk. I am also worried that my pcp won’t see me as disabled because I have been able to get to her office. It takes me a long time to get there because it is a far walk. I could take a shuttle but I don’t know where the stop is as they have moved it. I figure if I walk, it will do me some good, mentally. Physically, it just taxes me. I am often exhausted by the time I reach her office. There have been times where my vital signs were elevated because I just got to the office and was flustered. Usually by the time I have seen my pcp and sat for a few minutes longer, everything goes to normal.

I am having wicked brain fog today. I have been trying to do some school work and haven’t been getting anywhere. I looked at the blackboard for my psych class as I wanted to focus on that today and just took a quiz. I got one answer wrong and I am struggling to remember what the guy is known for. I’ll look him up in a little bit.

I feel so sad all of a sudden. I think my anxiety is getting the better of me today because the brain fog is so bad. I also have tightness in my chest from sleeping on my side for so long. It isn’t helping with the anxiety. I just feel so hopeless. Like what the hell am I doing? I feel like an imposter of some kind.

I showered and brushed my teeth. I had some of my casserole. It always tastes better the second day. Now I want a PB&J sandwich but I don’t think we have any bread. I have been meaning to get to the grocery store but just haven’t been able to. Maybe I can go tomorrow. Maybe my brother in law will take me.

I feel so overwhelmed right now with stuff I need to do for class and my brain just not being there. I am so tired. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and I just lay there trying to get back to sleep. Sometimes I have to pee which wakes me up for a few hours. Lately, I have been waking up to take my meds and not wanting to do much else. I don’t know if it is the depression or what. I am struggling with the cognitive functions. I keep thinking of when I was catatonic and how I just became psychotic and delusional. I felt like everyone knew my thoughts. I’ve come a ways since then but I am still worried about that period of my life. I like to think I have recovered but the PTSD of it all is still there. I haven’t been as depressed as I have in the past. I tend to have better days as I am coping better. I am using radical acceptance a lot more as well as being mindful at times.