gold rush

Gold rush

I had therapy today and I swear I wanted to end it 15 minutes into it. We were discussing anxiety and how I catastrophize a lot of the time. She also brought up my many messages to my medical providers. I have a chronic illness and it gets to messages. I might have medical anxiety over something. She feels like it is too much. I don’t recognize this medical anxiety stuff. My therapist doesn’t know anything about medicine yet is trying to tell me I am contacting my doctor too much? I don’t think my pcp would tolerate me contacting her for shit reasons. I wouldn’t be on 20 meds a day for being “normal”. Fuck. It was a frustrating session.

I tried reading what I was supposed to for my Anthro class, which I found out we are having our first exam this week. I am freaking out. I have an exam tomorrow in my psych class. I spent the weekend studying. I read half a chapter. I will finish the rest tonight before bed. I need to take a shower. I fricken stink. I hate sweating so much and it’s just winter. I opened the window in my room last night to get some fresh air in.

I feel so depressed. It’s that time of day when I feel really low and life seems pointless. I feel like a nobody. Insurmountable grief. I try writing how I feel every day so that I can wrestle with the demons that ravage my mind. Some days I feel successful at it. Other days, I struggle to get the words out. I don’t know what I am doing half the time. I keep thinking of dying. Yet, I am still here. I don’t know why I am.