a day of remembering

A day of remembering

Today is my father’s birthday and the anniversary of my “second” mother’s death. It has been a difficult day. I have memories of both of these people and I love them so much. I texted my BFFL to say I was thinking of him and sending him big hugs today. My sisters went to the track to celebrate my father’s birthday. I don’t know if they won. One sister is home and the other is not.

I studied the past couple of hours. I had a zoom meeting with one of my classmates. I tried to help her out as much as I could. I don’t think English is her primary language so understanding these terms is especially difficult. I was up all night thinking about chapter 4. I couldn’t remember what the hell it was about. I have been spending some time studying and then taking a break. There is just so much stuff to know.

I didn’t get up until maybe 230pm. I didn’t go to sleep until early this morning, well after 5am. I turned on my white noise and that helped to quiet my thoughts. I had coffee and made ramen noodles. Then I had a snack at my sister’s. She invited me to dinner for tomorrow night as she is making ribs. Should be good. She made asparagus again and I had some. I could have eaten the whole container. I love asparagus, especially when it is thin.

I am getting paid this week. I want to get a cold cut calzone because I have been craving it. I am not sure if I am going to get slices or a whole thing so I can have it for a week. I have made a grocery cart but I don’t know if I can afford all. It will have to wait until Thursday when my bills clear. I need to shower but I have no energy for it. I can barely stay awake. I am so tired from not sleeping. The fatigue sucks. I don’t see my psychiatrist for another week or so. It happens to be the day my mother died last year. So it is going to be tough. I have class that day but it is on zoom so I don’t have to leave the house.

I still don’t know what I am doing in therapy. It’s been a week but it feels much longer than that. I thought about texting her for an appointment tomorrow but I still don’t know what to talk about with her. Between these classes and my sleep issues, I haven’t had the time to think about what my needs are. I feel like I can’t go back to therapy until I figure it out. This is so hard for me to do. I often dissociate while in session. I just can’t stay in touch all session. Emotion hits and I shut down. It is worse when my therapist points something out or calls me out on something.