Saturday Blog 13072024

I woke up late. Felt like shit all day. I was resting all afternoon. I couldn’t get going even if you pointed a gun at me. I managed to shave my head and brush my teeth. While I was lying down, I got really suicidal. I just wanted to OD on something. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I don’t want to live. I thought about reaching out but I didn’t. The whole thing seems like a joke to me. I feel so miserable. I just want to sleep or lay down all the time. I have no energy for anything. I was talking to my cousin last night and told him I just stay home. He said don’t you go out for coffee? I said I don’t. I hardly feel like leaving the house anymore. House is so hot that I just have my coffee and then retreat back to my room. I just had some cheese and pita chips. I wanted to make pancakes but it’s too hot to cook. I feel so run down. The side pain isn’t helping. No one knows how rotten I feel. Then my sister makes fun of me cause I’m in the kitchen having coffee. She is such a bitch.

I hate that I am fucking broke for the next week and a half. I’m out of the food I like. My niece ate my mac and cheese. I have ramen but I don’t want to eat hot food. I don’t want to cook even if it’s to boil water for the ramen. I hate being this way. Although I am no where near the level of suicidality I was in 2022, for the first time since then I honestly think I could end my life by my own hands again. I was doing ok with occasional suicidal thoughts but now it seems like every night I wonder if I should just die. The fuck its are strong. I was feeling so overwhelmed last night with the depression. I started watching Wall E the movie. My cousin texted me and while responding, I lost the movie. I said fuck it and didn’t open the app to turn it back on. It was after 8. I just went to bed. I thought about reading but couldn’t do it. Moby Dick is interesting. And I’m finally seeing why Dr. Shneidman thinks it’s about suicide. To be a whaler is kind of a suicidal mission.

I had coffee with my cheese. It didn’t do anything for the tiredness I feel. I’ll probably go to bed early tonight. Sox are playing day game so will be over soon. They are winning.