Feeling like a failure
I had a difficult time last night sleeping. I kept tossing and turning. I tried reading for a bit but even that wouldn’t settle me down. I slept for a few hours and then was up when my bladder needed to be emptied. I tried to sleep for a few more hours and couldn’t so got up.
I had my call from DMH worker. It went well. I didn’t tell her about anything bad that happened this week. She is going on vacation next week. I think I will see her a week or so later. I felt utterly useless while talking to her. She thinks I am so amazing and shit and I wonder what the hell drugs she is on. She said I am getting stuff done but I feel like I am not doing a damn thing. I reached out to a crisis text line. It wasn’t much help. I am still stuck with my indecision of letting my providers know what I have done. I think I am ok medically as I don’t feel any different than I did the beginning of the week. My back is still throbbing at times but it is getting better with not doing anything.
I made hot dogs today again. I then shaved my head and trimmed my beard. I made a mess of myself. I have hair all over my neck. I don’t care. I will take a shower later, soon if I don’t shit myself. I passed gas and then my stomach went all berserk on me. I am afraid to stand up. I think I am ok. I will be getting up soon. I am so tired of struggling with fatigue. All I want to do this week has been to stay in bed, laying down. I haven’t done nothing useful though I did pick up my recycle today. I haven’t brought it down to the bin yet. Supposedly it is going to be cooler tomorrow so maybe then I will. And take my trash out too.
midnightdemons7 